1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the
person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up
and says:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Carnation Milk
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's, she read a newspaper advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with:
"Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this!"
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."
Here was her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch
A chemistry teacher wanted to give his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Here's a little part of US history which makes you go h-m-m-m: Have a history teacher explain this if (s)he can?
Abraham
Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's
secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew
Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John
Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born
in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln
was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth
ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
(And here's the kicker...)
A
week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn
Monroe.
Sitting on the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, an OPP Officer sees a car puttering along about 40 kph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Forty km per hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "40" was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven't uttered a single peep this whole time".
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off highway 148."
An
Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each
one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the
other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the
bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude
on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a
moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he
laughs.
"Oh no", he says, "everyone's fine! I've just quit drinking."
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch," they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
A 5
year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what," says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass',
OK?" "O.K." the 4 year
old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mother looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
1.
Large, loft-style apartments
in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether
they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair
of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to
defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose
the
right one.
4. Most laptop computers
are powerful enough to override the communications system of any
invading
alien society.
5. It does not matter if
you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your
enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a
threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the
light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly
visible,
just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and
pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at
the
age of 22.
8. Honest and hard
working
policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their
retirement.
9. Rather than wasting
bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using
complicated
machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and
man-eating
sharks - which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special
L-shaped
cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist
level
on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags
contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to
land
a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you
down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will
never rub off-even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to
survive
any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass
yourself
off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak
the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be
seen
from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain
while
taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to
clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass
is visible, something or someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted
house,
women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing
lingerie,
and alone.
20. Word processors never
display
a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with
electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly
when
they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve
a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start
dancing
in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give
their
officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned
a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all
foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving in the country that is at the top of the list of best places in the world to live.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Greenbugs) is seen on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green".
Jean Chrétien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that his government will do everything it can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity she deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on ants to make them pay their "fair share". Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Revenue Canada.
John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a federal tribunal that Chrétien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursdays between 1:30 and 3 pm. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house she's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around her since she doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chrétien standing before a wildly applauding group of Liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
A
man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming
for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has
him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet
examines
the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The
vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat
and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks
at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is
dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
A man was walking home alone late one night when
he
hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him.
Walking faster he looks back and makes out the
image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him
...faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.
PHEW !!!!!!!
BUT !!!!!!
the coffin crashes through his door,
the lid of the coffin is going
clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on
the heels
of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks
himself
in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his
breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something---
anything...
but all he can find
is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin...
...and, of course
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
.
.
...the coffin stops
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Another Halloween Story (2)
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob tries to control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
(Don't
page down unless you are sure you dare...)
Are
you sure you want to know?
"Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Remember When...
A computer was something on TV
ROM, a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
and RAM was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they'll wish they were dead.
~ author unknown
A Programmer and a Meteorologist are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Vancouver to Toronto. The Programmer leans over to the Meteorologist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Meteorologist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Meteorologist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Meteorologist's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Meteorologist doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Meteorologist's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Meteorologist and hands him $50. The Meteorologist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Meteorologist and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Meteorologist reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
For Christmas Guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of his rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen.
These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks -- something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks -- a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
After
a little deliberation, they come up with lighting
and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember
a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the
guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab
(loves
retrieving -- specially things thrown by his owner). You guessed
it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice,
reaching
the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it
hits the ice all to the woe of the two idiots who are yelling,
stomping,
waving arms and wondering
what the heck to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozo's now are REALLY waving their arms yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think--something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.
This
sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun
was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a
Black
Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then
continued
on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, became REALLY
confused and of
course scared...
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars - the $400.00+ monthly-payment-vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...
He had yet to make his first car payment.
Forwarded from the land of political correctness. Were it not for politics it would be clean too. Of course there is no offence expressed or implied. As you know, an anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The examples below show that someone out there has either way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory : Dirty Room
Evangelist : Evil's Agent
Desperation : A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code : Here Come Dots
Slot Machines : Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity : Is No Amity
Mother-in-law : Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms : Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness : Genuine Class
Semolina : Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries : Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point : I'm a Dot in place
The Earthquakes : That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction : Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
Can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I
forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q:
How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight
or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with
you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q:
What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did
that
upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q:
And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately
milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between
milepost
498 and 500.
Q:
Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well,
I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q:
Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything
when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What
disco am I at?
Q:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? --------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving - that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
11. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
12. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
13. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
1.
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and
why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then
we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
would not live forever."
*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country."
*Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
3.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body."
*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward
4.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
*Mariah Carey, pop singer
5.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
*Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed
documents
6.
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're
here to preserve disorder."
*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party Convention
7.
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were
before."
*Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
8.
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
9.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
10.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces
some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana ... The
researchers
also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't
remember
what they are."
*Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22, 199x
11.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
12.
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put
the clips on, but they take them off."
*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the
company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers"
13.
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state
of Chicago."
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
14.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the
only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I
could converse with those people."
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
15.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
16.
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the
people who make them unsafe."
*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
17.
"The president has kept all of the promises he intended
to keep."
*Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry
King Live"
18.
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position
of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the
appointment
of David Steele to the post."
*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,
Barrington,
Rhode Island
19.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jack ass, and I'm just the one to do it."
*A congressional candidate in Texas
20.
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused
in the public mind."
*General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
21.
"Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep
thinker and stuff"
*Billy Ray Cyrus
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?", and the man agreed.
On arrival, she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner; there's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close, the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university / law school and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university / law school years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!
A
message from Physicians and Distilleries Working For
A Better Tomorrow.....
Peter's Ponderables (with apologies to the many previous e-authors out there)
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help, section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see and endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
I am in almost
terminal shock at the revelation by the Republican Party that a
politician
lied to the public. And it was such an important lie.
So much more
important than Jack Kennedy's firm statement that the U.S.A. was not
involved
in the Bay of Pigs invasion.
So much more
important than Dwight Eisenhower's denial that U-2 spy planes were
passing
over Russia.
So much more
important than Lyndon Johnson's statement that a U.S. ship had been
attacked
by a North Vietnamese torpedo boat.
So much more
important than Richard Nixon's denial of any involvement with the
Watergate
burglary, and more important than Ronald Reagan's lies about almost
everything.
All of that
is trivia. The Republicans have nailed Clinton on something that really
matters: a sex act! An act that threatens the national security of the
United States of America.
I always
thought
a gentleman was supposed to lie about such things. Surely you wonder
what
impression all this is creating in other countries.
The whole
thing has been summed up by a letter-to-the-editor in Australia. In a
letter
to the Sidney Morning Herald, a writer nailed it in one line:
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK
NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___ing wanted to.
That's the f___ing reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS
FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents
the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to
trample
him and keep
him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER (From X Files): You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6 p.m. news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained what had happened back on earth.
St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.
The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
January 18, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC wont work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind....
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem.
I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know.
60
degrees - Californians put their sweaters on
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert
40 degrees - You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the
homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation farther south
15 degrees - French cars and Mack Trucks don't start
cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going
Japanese Cars don't start
5 degrees - American cars don't start
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 degrees - Mercedes cars and Freightliner Trucks
don't
start
eyes freeze shut when you step outside
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to
build
an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with
you
politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-25 degrees - Too cold to think
you need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars and Volvo Trucks don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweater
your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 degrees - Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own
pockets
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over
Clinton finally tells all
(seen first in the parking lot of a USAF base weather office in the 1970s)
"Weathermen do it with crystal balls!"