Most people know that two groups were originally vying for the North American rights to "Sailor Moon". One of them offered to present a dubbed version, the other a version containing live action footage. What no one knows is that there was a third group involved. A group that felt the "Sailor Moon" characters and concepts needed a gradual introduction into mainstream television. This group proposed a show that would be modelled after another popular television series of the time. Fortunately, all their writers were known to be several syllables short of a haiku, so this third proposal was rejected. Yet their work must have inexplicably continued, for when their organization recently went bankrupt, the following story was discovered in their archives. Look out below, because it's . . . THE XS-FILES By: Greg Taylor [Characters are not mine, but I'm not sure if they're really Takeuchi Naoko's or Carter Chris's. Either way, please don't sue me. Lighten up!] *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* "Hey, Ami, come take a look at this!" Ami Mizuno closed the office door behind her, hooking a strand of her naturally blue hair back behind her ear. Some said that there was never a dull moment when you were an agent for the Tokyo Bureau of Investigations. Personally, Ami thought that only really applied when you worked with someone like Rei Hino - or 'Spooky Rei', as she was sometimes called, because of the clairvoyance she occasionally displayed. Though after being together for a year and a half, they had developed a good working relationship. Approaching her partner's desk, Ami looked down at the photographs occupying Rei's interest. It looked like a few snapshots featuring fuzzy blurs. "What have you found this time, Rei?" Ami asked. "Radio station bandwidths for a show run by some evil society? Cameras capturing people's souls? Futuristic UFO sightings?" "No, bizarre instances of weather," Rei said, jabbing a finger at one of the pictures. "Storm clouds that look like this are appearing above small towns for no apparent reason at all. Their arrival can't be predicted and they disappear within minutes." Ami looked over the images again. "You had clearer pictures last week when they were taken by that person with the swirly glasses." Rei shrugged. "Apparently the guy who took these snapshots had trouble focussing because his hair obscures his eyes. These are the best we can do since the appearances of the pink clouds are random." "The clouds are grey, Rei." "That's because it's a black and white photo! Look Ami, this is another XS-File. We have to investigate." Ami paused briefly before nodding in agreement. After all, she was getting used to 'eXcesS files' of this type, and the fact that extraterrestrials did not appear to be involved was a refreshing change. Rei often related those cases to her younger sister Usagi, believed to have been abducted by aliens at an early age. "Can it wait though?" Ami asked. "I came here because Mamoru's waiting to see us in his office. He has some questions about our last report concerning the vanishing temple buses." Rei nodded back, pushing herself away from her desk. "Okay. Maybe he'll authorize this investigation while he's at it." Of course, Rei reflected, it was hard to tell exactly whose side their assistant director was on . . . Mamoru seemed to change allegiances on a daily basis. Fortunately, the roses on his desk helped in figuring things out. If they were red, Rei knew she could get clearance. If they were white, Rei would try another time when he was not inclined to babble without saying anything intelligent. Finally, if they were black, Rei knew she'd be out of luck. Rei always suspected the black colour was the result of a cigarette smoker being in the room previously, despite Mamoru's claim that they were simply a nod to some popular Japanese program he'd seen called 'Utena'. "Rei? Coming?" Ami prompted. "Right. Sorry." Rei adjusted her tie and followed Ami out the door. She hoped for red roses. *=*=*=*=* Late that evening, two figures trudged down a dark, deserted alleyway. The silence was broken only by the sound of their footfalls, until the taller one spoke, saying, "Why so quiet, Ami? Are you still upset that I included the demonic presence in my last report? Mamoru wasn't that upset about it and he even authorized the new case." Ami shrugged. "It's not that. Though when you start including things you see during fire readings--" "I said it occurred AFTER a fire reading," Rei corrected. "If not that though, what's on your mind?" Ami's cheeks darkened. "I'm just wondering why we have to see the Kou Gunmen now. I ran your pictures through my micro mini-computer earlier and the only interesting thing I discovered was that your clouds look like cotton candy when they're pink. I doubt anything else can be uncovered." Rei shrugged. "Well, since our flight's not for three hours, I thought it would be good to pursue all possible sources of information. I'd contact my secret informant too - codenamed 'Makoto' - except I'm out of masking tape so I can't signal her by shining an 'M' out my window. A shame, she's always saying she has the most talent in her organization." "I suppose," Ami sighed, as they arrived at the hideout of Rei's star acquaintances. "But if Taiki makes eyes at me again, I'm leaving." "Relax," Rei said, rapping on the door. "He's just jealous of your computer." After their identities were confirmed, the agents were let inside. The layout of the interior was as usual. High-tech, state-of-the- art electronic equipment lay everywhere, with musical keyboards and guitars sitting off in a corner. The Kou Gunmen were most known for their investigations into alien visitations and other unusual phenomena (the reason Rei often came to them for advice), but they were also a singing group, hired out to play at meetings of secret organizations. "What've you got for us today, Rei?" Yaten asked, pushing himself away from his keyboard and straightening his suit. "A secret base under a nondescript high school? Attacks by mysterious visitors from the future? Four Generals stealing the life force of humans?" "Fuzzy blurs," Ami responded. Rei produced her photos, making a face in Ami's direction. "Heeeey, strange looking cloud formation," Taiki commented, immediately recognizing the phenomenon as he peered over his glasses. "Looks almost like odango. Seiya, you ever seen anything this strange?" Seiya put down his guitar and walked over to have a look. An eyebrow went up. "Nope. At least, not since those ringing telephones started appearing throughout the city." "Are you referring to that publicity stunt run by the doomed Nezu corporation?" Ami wondered. "That was only what the government wanted you to believe," Taiki responded. "They don't admit that extraterrestrials were the real cause." Rei snapped her fingers. "Of course! Tell me, was it those aliens who dress up like animals and travel around in police boxes?" Ami frowned at her partner. "Who?" Rei turned. "You've heard of them?" "Heard of who?" "That's what I was asking." "Wait a minute. Who are these aliens?" "Exactly! They're codenamed 'Who'!" "What?" "No, who!" "Rei, why have you codenamed aliens travelling in police boxes 'Who'?!?" "Actually," Yaten interrupted, "That did get confusing. We use the term 'Anima Mates' now." "Anyhow, let's see what we can do with your pictures," Seiya cut in, having run them through scanners and pulled them up on his computer monitor. He pressed some keys and zoomed in. "Now THIS looks promising," Yaten observed. "There's a strange whirly pattern on the edge of this shot. It could be a circus tent." "Er, that's just where the film got smudged," Rei admitted. "The government's already trying to tamper with the evidence?" Seiya asked. "No, I was looking at the pictures earlier while eating a Mars bar." "Aha! This cloud pattern here is a face," Taiki interjected, pointing. "Look at it sideways and squint." There was a pause as all the people in the room tilted their heads to the side. "It would have three eyes - one in the middle of its forehead," Ami remarked blankly. "It's an alien face," Taiki elaborated. "Well, there is one thing I can say for sure," Seiya stated, making the pictures turn pink with a few more keystrokes. "The clouds look a lot like cotton candy. That's interesting." Ami glanced at Rei, shaking her head. "Incidentally, Rei, have you read our recent article about how aliens change genders?" Yaten asked, holding up their monthly publication, 'Kou, Me?' "No, sorry. I'll try to get to it - maybe it will help me deal with the feelings I have of being male in another existence," Rei replied impassively. "If that's all, we really should be on our way," Ami added quickly. She tried to hurry Rei out before her partner could get a copy of the article, but she was unsuccessful. Ami just hoped that she would not have to listen to Rei talk about it on the trip out. Last month the Gunmen's study on "teleportation with the use of catch phrases" had been completely absurd. *=*=*=*=* Fortunately for Ami, Rei decided to use much of her travel time to catch up on her sleep. Rei also slept soundly once the agents arrived at their hotel - which allowed someone to anonymously slip a sheet of paper and map under her door. Ami regarded both items dubiously the next day. "I'm starting to wonder if you make up this extra stuff along the way just to keep me amused," she remarked. "Besides, Rei, this paper just looks like a shopping list." "Yes, it was cleverly coded," Rei agreed. "Though when you rearrange the first letter of each item, you end up with the phrase 'Hill's ET factory'. Rather telling, don't you think?" "Not really. You also get the phrase 'The silly factor'," Ami pointed out. "Well, yes, but when I checked the phone book I found a 'Hill's ET Factory' listed right here in town! What do you have to say to that?" "Are you suggesting they employ extraterrestrial slave labour?" Ami asked warily. "No, I don't think illegal aliens are involved at this time," Rei countered. "Still, maybe this guy Hill has a fondness for Spielberg movies." Ami could not figure out if that was sarcasm or not, so she pressed on. "Rei, this town hasn't even had any of your clouds in it. We were going to investigate to the west." "Which is where the map comes in," Rei declared. She spread it out over the desk. "The towns marked with an 'x' are all ones where instances of the pink clouds occurred. You can see the town we're in now, the largest one, is central to all of them." "How do you know that's what the x's on the map represent?" "Well . . . I drew them myself," Rei admitted. Ami paused briefly. "You haven't been talking to cats again, have you?" "Look, you don't have to worry about the factory. I'll check it out. You are scheduled in for an autopsy this afternoon on a video arcade owner. He supposedly got hit by lightening during the most recent cloud appearance, but try to find out what really killed him." "Oh, it was doubtless some mysterious jilted lover wearing green, channelling electricity through a lightning rod on her forehead," Ami asserted. Rei glared. Ami smiled weakly. "I'll check him out." Rei nodded and refolded the map. "Thanks - between the two of us we'll get to the bottom of this conspiracy!" *=*=*=*=* Meanwhile, somewhere at the bottom of the conspiracy, two glowing disks hovered in the air. They soon resolved themselves into a pair of glasses as their owner stepped forward out of the shadows to stub out his cigarette. "Are we all here?" Tomoe asked. "Let's get on with it," came the annoyed voice of Beryl from across the room, both hands waving around her crystal ball. She was having no success at all maintaining a firm grip. "Well then, the culmination of our most ambitious plan to date is at hand," murmured Galaxia, leaning against a desk. "Final thoughts?" "Do you really think the replicas will be useful in preventing an alien invasion?" Neherenia piped up, glancing at her nails in the mirror next to her - she was always trying to ensure she looked well manicured. "I bet aliens would think twice before approaching them," Beryl observed. "Don't you agree, Skully?" "Do not call me that," the Wiseman grumbled beside her. "Besides, I heard Rei was in the area. She is wise to the clouds and has the potential to ruin everything." Tomoe casually lit another Morleys cigarette. "I'm taking care of that situation. Rei's former partner owes me a favour. Neither Rei nor Ami will witness the operation." "Make sure that's the case," warned Galaxia. "Because if they do, the whole operation is going up in smoke." A small chime sounded, and she glanced at her watch. "Break's over though. Let's get back to our brainwash-- er, television studio." Neherenia sighed. "Must we?" she asked. "I so hate dubbing." *=*=*=*=* "Yew ah from the Tokyo Bureau of Investigations? Ah think ah'm gonna keel ovah . . . " Rei frowned at the red-haired secretary. This was not quite the response she had expected upon introducing herself at the main office next to Hill's Factory. "Look, don't overdramatize. I just want to ask Mr. Hill a few questions." "Mistah who?" "Hill. The owner?" Rei pressed. "There's no Mistah Hill workin' heah," the secretary refuted. "Then why is this place called Hill's ET factory?" "We ah located on ah hill. Hadn't yew noticed?" "So what does the ET stand for?" Rei demanded. "Edible Tuppahware. Wanna heah our sales pitch?" Rei gritted her teeth. What she wanted was a straight answer ... wait a minute, they were nowhere near Brooklyn. The Consortium must have gotten to the secretary already! "Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen . . . Akuryou taisan!" Rei shouted, quickly whipping an ofuda from her pocket and slapping it on the redhead's forehead. The secretary froze in place before falling to the floor, unconscious. That confirmed Rei's suspicions - there was evil here. She would have given the usual apology about her post-it note obsession had she been mistaken. Hurrying back out of the office, Rei scanned the area. No one else seemed to be around, but Rei rejected a direct approach in favour of searching the perimeter. Managing to find a small window around the back of the factory, the dark haired TBI agent peered through the glass, ready for anything. Anything, that is, except for what she saw. Gaping in astonishment, Rei was further caught off balance when she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Tsk. You don't have a pass," came the voice. Rei spun to find herself face-to-face with a blonde who had a red bow in her hair. "No pass means you flail," the woman concluded. "Minak-- ow!" Rei exclaimed as the blonde clubbed her over the head. 'Where did she come from?', was her final thought before falling unconscious. *=*=*=*=* "This is not good," Ami remarked to herself. After discovering that the arcade owner's death had not been due to lightning, but instead to an overdose of sweets, she had attempted to call Rei on her cellular phone. Rei had not answered, which was a possible sign of trouble, and now Ami found her rental car missing. Contemplating calling a taxi, Ami suddenly spotted a police car speeding down the road towards her. It was heading in the right direction, so she ran to the side of the road, waving her arms in an attempt to flag it down. At first the car simply roared past, but then it abruptly executed a perfect 180 degree turn. Pulling up next to the TBI agent, a woman with short sandy-blond hair stuck her head out the window. "What?" she asked. "My car has been stolen. Can I catch a lift to the next town?" The woman at the wheel turned, exchanging a glance with her partner. The woman with aqua green hair nodded, and the back door popped open. "Get in," she invited. "Thanks," Ami said. She realized as she was getting in, however, that the occupants were not police officers. A quick inspection revealed that they had a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, and were both were wearing sunglasses. "So, why did you stop for me?" she asked, suddenly suspicious. "We're willing to help anyone with a fondness for blues," replied the aqua haired one, looking appreciatively at Ami's hair, eyes and indeed her entire outfit. "Why? Who do you work for?" Ami pressed. The sandy-haired woman slammed the car into gear. "We're on a mission for the Messiah," she explained. Executing another 180-degree turn in a manner almost perpendicular to the road, she then added under her breath, "Friggin' cameo crossovers." Ami sat back warily in her seat as the vehicle picked up speed. *=*=*=*=* Rei gradually came to her senses. She found herself in the dark, literally. She had been tied up and crammed into some enclosed space. What had happened? That's right, Minako! That crazy blonde had been Rei's partner during the brief period when the XS-Files had been shut down, but Minako had betrayed her then, as she might be doing now. Yet after what Rei had seen . . . she had to get back to the factory! She pounded on the shady outline of a door with her feet, shouting "Hey! Help!!" Abruptly, the door opened. An ominous silhouette stood before her. It was monstrous! It was horribly malformed! It was . . . no wait, it was Ami. Ami blinked in surprise. "Rei, uh, why are you tied up in your hotel room closet? This doesn't have anything to do with those magazines I find in your desk drawer on occasion, does it?" "No, I just keep those there after taking them away from my grandfather," Rei answered. "Now will you quit fooling around and release me?" Ami quickly moved to undo the knots. "Just be thankful I'm here at all," she remarked. "If two speed maniacs hadn't given me a lift I would still be stuck in the next town." Rei frowned. "Really? Ami, I think someone is trying to keep us away from the ET factory. We have to get back there, now!" "Why? What did you find out?" "Besides the fact that they are located on a hill, I discovered that they are holding my sister in their main building!" "What?? You mean Usagi?" Rei nodded. "She looked just like she did the day she was abducted too! Well, aside from the pink hair and red eyes." Ami stood and helped Rei up. She wondered if it was significant that Usagi kept turning up more frequently in their investigations. Probably not. "Rei, that is not possible. When you saw Usagi three weeks ago she was our age," Ami reminded. "Are you now suggesting she has discovered the key to time travel?" "I don't know! We just have to get back to her before it's too late!" Rei insisted, sprinting out of the room. Ami hurried after, but she quickly fell behind owing to Rei's burst of enthusiasm. Rei was already out of sight when, without any warning, something strange started to happen. A huge pink cloud began forming over the entire town. Once it had grown to a fair size, electricity began arcing through the air and rain started falling. Yet Ami quickly discovered that it was not raining water droplets; instead, little pink sugar hearts were falling to the ground. She paused in her running long enough to scoop up a few and place them in her pocket for later analysis. Finally, with a loud 'bang', the cloud exploded outwards and dissipated, leaving everything as it had been minutes before, with no indication that anything had ever taken place. That is, aside from the plume of smoke rising where Ami judged the factory to be. She ran faster. *=*=*=*=* Rei had arrived at Hill's ET Factory as the pink hearts started falling. There were still no guards around, so this time Rei opted for the direct approach. Running up to the front door of the factory itself, she kicked it open, whipped out her gun and yelled, "TBI! Freeze!" Fifty pairs of eyes turned to look at her, which made Rei wonder if she had made a tactical error. In fact, she now realized that the person she had seen in here earlier had not been her sister Usagi, but a mere imitation. A cloned imitation, as evidenced by the sheer number of chibi Usagi's currently in the room, staring back at her. It was absolutely horrifying. It could only be a plot by the Consortium, an attempt at a preemptive strike against alien invasions! But before Rei could decide what to do about it, she caught sight of the broken trip wire by the door. It led to a small digital device in the corner. "You should not have opened that," remarked one Chibi-Usa. "Now this whole operation is going up in smoke." Moments later there was a loud 'bang'. In the explosion that followed, Rei could only catch sight of a blur of pink as she tried to escape from the factory building crashing down around her. *=*=*=*=* Ami sat staring at her computer. It had been a week since the destruction of "Hill's ET Factory". Pink cloud sightings had ceased, and Ami felt reasonably sure that they would not return. Most of the loose ends had also been tied up, and all that really remained now was for her to submit her report. She just could not figure out how to word it. Reaching for the keyboard, Ami finally decided to simply type as things came into her mind. "Casefile XS-151i, the pink cloud investigation. There is no longer any dispute as to the existence of the clouds that appeared over several small towns. The explanation for their creation lies in a malfunctioning piece of equipment used by local factories. This mechanism, which was supposed to produce edible tupperware containers, instead gave off pink exhaust and projected pink sugar candies into the atmosphere. Further analysis of said candies has allowed me to conclude that they were the cause of death in at least one case, their high concentration of sucrose inducing a fatal pink sugar heart attack. The tupperware company could not be reached for comment, since not even their own secretary could provide a reliable phone number. In fact, the company seems to have vanished, following the complete destruction of their main factory. My partner Rei is currently resting in the hospital after having had most of the aforementioned factory fall on her head. Her claim, that the ET company was a front for a cloning operation creating of an army of Chibi-Usa's, is completely unsubstantiated at this time. There were no biological remains found in the wreckage, and while an underground cavern was later discovered beneath the ruins, it did not appear to have been recently accessed. I personally cannot fathom why a government conspiracy would bother producing fifty pink-haired girls in the first place. I am now looking forward to returning to Tokyo, and can only hope that the next case Mamoru has for us, which supposedly concerns sightings of volcanic activity at the D point of the North Pole, will prove more mundane." Ami paused, scanning over the report once more. Yes, that wrapped everything up. She pulled the keyboard forward again to add two final words: Case closed.