TAKESHI'S MXC ============= By: Greg Taylor FADE IN TO SIGHT OF MANY ANIME CHARACTERS CHARGING THROUGH A FOREST INTERCUT WITH UPCOMING SCENES FROM THE SHOW. Mr. Announcer: What are these people running from? They're not! They're running TO the offices of American corporations responsible for dubs on North American TV! Today, it's the Sailor Moonies against the Cardcaptors, fighting it out for first chance to square off against a CEO. So get fired up for... TMXC! Takeshi's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge!!! Mr. Announcer: Now here's our very own Dub-yeahs, Vic and Ken. CUT TO VIC ROMANO (Vic) AND KENNY BLANKENSHIP (Ken) IN THEIR OUTLANDISH OUTFITS. THEY ARE FLANKED BY GUYS WE DON'T CARE ABOUT. Vic Romano (VIC): Welcome to TMXC, and here today we have two teams of anime characters! Should be interesting, right Ken? Kenny Blankenship (KEN): You say something, Takeshi? VIC: We're being overdubbed, call me Vic. KEN: Sure, whatever. Have you seen the skirts on some of those girls? VIC: (gesturing out with fan) Aha, you've obviously taken notice of the Sailor Scouts, known as Senshi before dubbers took over their show. KEN: They're hot! I'd love to take one of them aside after the show and... VIC: Kenny, they're only 14. KEN: Hey, the show came out in 1992. They've got to be in their twenties by now. VIC: Well, if that thought helps you sleep better at night... KEN: Oh, I'd be doing more than sleeping. VIC: (hits KEN with his fan) Kenny! I didn't need that visual. (points with fan) Besides, don't forget we also have with us the Captors, from a similarly butchered anime. KEN: Were there panty shots in that one too? VIC: Not after the censors were through with it. But now why don't we take it down to a guy who never censors himself, Guy LaDouche. Guy, what's the situation? CUT TO GUY LADOUCHE (Gui) STANDING IN A FIELD WEARING HIS PITH HAT. Guy LaDouche (GUI): 'Allo, Gui 'ere, vith ze best 'eads up view for all de ackshun! Today'z gamez are ze teepical vuns, zere is Zkeeping Ztonez, High Roolers, und ze Ryes Bool! I am zo exseeted I 'ope I don't vet myself. EXPLOSION SOUND. GUI: Now on to ze Captin, who... vait, vat vas dat noyze? TOP OF TOKYO TOWER FALLS ON Gui BECAUSE HE HAS AN IRRITATING VOICE AND SILLY HAT. CUT TO CAPT. TENNEAL (Capt) LEANING ON STYLISH CANE AND ADDRESSING ANIME CONTESTANTS. Capt. Tenneal (CAPT): All right, so how many of you knew that the Captain and Tennille were a singing duo from the 1970s and 80s? ALL RAISE HANDS, CHEERING. CAPT.: You lie! I will proceed to make fun of someone else's name. Capt. ADVANCES ON ONE YOUNG FEMALE WITH HER HAIR IN A BRAID. CAPT.: Who are you supposed to be?? GIRL: I'm Tomoyo! Daidouji Tomoyo! CAPT.: You're talking to Americans here, speak English. GIRL'S FRIEND: She's Madison Taylor. GIRL: Sakura, you're supposed to refer to me as 'Clothing Mistress'! CAPT.: Mistress Madison, eh? Expecting any favouritism because your last name is the same as the author's? GIRL: No, I'm expecting it because I designed the outfits Vic and Kenny are wearing. CAPT.: Oh really? VOICE IN BACK: I hope we don't have to karaoke, Madison only knows that one damn song about the twinkle in the night sky! GIRL: Shut up, Eli! CAPT.: Enough chatter, let's go! (gestures with his cane) CUT TO CHEESY KEN-O-TRON VIDEO SIMULATION OF A GUY JUMPING ON STONES IN A CREEK BEFORE TOPPLING OVER. VIC (voiceover): So, the object of our first game is to get to the other bank without skipping off the tipping stones. KEN (voiceover): You know wearing Madison's clothing makes me want to pull out my magical, extendible staff. VIC (voiceover): Not while the cameras are rolling, Ken. CUT TO Capt. STANDING AT ONE END OF THE CREEK. THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE SHOWS VARIOUS CHARACTERS ACTING OUT WHAT VIC AND KEN ARE DESCRIBING IN THEIR VOICEOVER (v/o). CAPT.: (blows whistle) Get it on! VIC (v/o): First up for the Cardcaptors it's Meilin Rae. MEILIN (running up): I'm Li Showron's yes-girl! VIC (v/o): Meilin attends the training school for the art of noise, as you can tell by her constant shrieking. KEN (v/o): Oh, and hey, she made a lot of noise when she hit that rock and rolled, too. VIC (v/o): I bet she'll be singing a different tune tonight. VIC (v/o): Now for the Scouts here's Mina, also known as Venus. MINA: I'm the original blonde! VIC (v/o): Mina's favourite pastime is playing with her Love-Me Chain while wishing she had access to a big ass sword like in the manga. KEN (v/o): I hear she gets most of her dates by chaining them up so that they can't escape. VIC (v/o): Good point, Ken. Ooh, and she's wound up with a faceful of fluid. KEN (v/o): Which is all in a day's work for Venus. VIC (v/o): So here comes Rita, a forgettable friend of Sakura's. RITA: I'm just a girl who can't say no! VIC (v/o): Rita has a thing for teachers and will soon be experimenting with bad accents so as to be more like her hero, Molly Baker. KEN (v/o): Ooh, and look at how she goes down - with a nice up the skirt shot right off that first stone! Let's see that on Instant Replay, I think she's wearing 'Hello Kitty's. VIC (v/o): I don't know Ken, I think that was a setup for more screen time. Her rock wasn't even wobbling. VIC (v/o): And here comes Doctor Tomoe on the Scouts' team. TOMOE: I'm only evil on alternate Tuesdays! VIC (v/o): The doctor's daughter was originally scheduled to appear, but when she woke up this morning she was only two years old and automatically disqualified. KEN (v/o): I hear the Doc has to buy Hotaru a new wardrobe every week to keep up with her age changes. VIC (v/o): Well, at least she's a goth so he doesn't have to worry about colour selection. Oh, and Tomoe takes a nasty fall there! KEN (v/o): Ooo, yeah, his doctorate must have been in how to fall down. Dude needs better glasses. VIC (v/o): Indeed Ken. So next it's Julian for the Captors. JULIAN: Let's hear it for gay rights! VIC (v/o): Julian is a card carrying member of the Tori Avalon fan club, of which he is in fact the only member. KEN (v/o): Hey, I hear his favourite pickup line in Canadian bars is: "Hi, I'm you, eh". VIC (v/o): Well it's a good thing he's used to having liquid thrown in his face then, as he takes a BIG tumble. VIC (v/o): The Scouts counter with Trista, or Pluto. TRISTA: I already know I'll fail! VIC (v/o): Trista works in a watch factory, where she says she always has a lot of time on her hands. KEN (v/o): Gee, she's making some good time here. VIC (v/o): Yes, over halfway across and.... ooo, ouch, she's not very good at watching where she's going! KEN (v/o): I think she got tripped up by her big ASCII. VIC (v/o): Right you are, Ken. VIC (v/o): Finally for the Cardcaptors it's Miss Mackenzie. MACKENZIE: I've taught the others everything I know! VIC (v/o): Mackenzie is a teacher by trade, but she moonlights as a plot device in the evenings. KEN (v/o): Man, I wonder if she taught the others how to fall over like that. It's very undignified. VIC (v/o): And our last contestant this round is Malachite. MALACHITE: I'm dating Esmeraude! VIC (v/o): Malachite works in a cape factory, where anyone who's seen his family jewels knows to call him Kunzite. KEN (v/o): Wait, isn't he evil? VIC (v/o): No, well, the CEOs are the only true evil on this show, Ken. And look, with a big leap at the end, Mallie is across the creek of doom! KEN (v/o): He must have had bishounen immunity. VIC (v/o): Indeeeeeed. So at the end of the first game, it's Scouts 1, Captors 0. ==commercial== Mr. Announcer: Back to action, where it's the skirts of Wow versus the cards of Clow! CUT TO Vic AND Ken. VIC: So, any predictions so far? KEN: Yeah, I think all the wet tops will net us more viewers. VIC: (hits KEN with his fan) Ha ha, no Ken, I mean about which team is going to pull it off in the end. KEN: If they're pulling stuff off we win either way! VIC: My poor naive associate, once again you prove that overdubbing lowers a character's IQ by at least 50 points. KEN: Some contestants have negative IQ?? VIC: Stop getting drool on my shirt. CUT TO CHEESY KEN-O-TRON VIDEO SIMULATION OF A GUY JUMPING ON LOGS OVER LIQUID BEFORE TOPPLING OVER. VIC (v/o): The object of our next game is to make it across the suspended spinning logs without falling into the fluid! And what's our fluid for today? KEN (v/o): It's a collection of tears as cried by fans of the original shows after they saw the overdubs. VIC (v/o): Hm, that explains why there's so much of it. KEN (v/o): Yeah, pours a little salt into the losers' wounds. CUT TO Capt. STANDING ON PLATFORM AT ONE END OF THE ROTATING LOGS. THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE SHOWS VARIOUS CHARACTERS ACTING OUT WHAT VIC AND KEN ARE DESCRIBING IN THEIR VOICEOVER (v/o). VIC (v/o): So, first to bounce up onto the platform is Lita. LITA (to CAPT.): You look like my old boyfriend... CAPT.: Keep it moving. VIC (v/o): Lita is known for her skills in cooking, cleaning, and throwing people through walls. KEN (v/o): She's still bouncing too, even though she's standing still. We should make the obligatory comment here about her having the most talent on her team. VIC (v/o): Right you are, Ken. Hope she doesn't overbalance herself because of that as she works through her run here. Oh, oh... ooooh! Well how about that, she made it all the way across with a dry shirt! To the dismay of fanboys everywhere! KEN (v/o): Maybe that jiggling victory dance will appease them. VIC (v/o): Next up is Zachary Babaganoosh. ZACHARY: I can't open my eyes! VIC (v/o): Zachary works at Yarns R Us where he spins tall tales about how boring his family history is to anyone who will listen. This guy could put a Clow Card to sleep. KEN (v/o): And look, he never saw that fall coming, what a jughead. VIC (v/o): Yeah, he's all wet. VIC (v/o): Next up for the Scouts it's Darien Shields... DARIEN: I'm sleeping with my florist! VIC (v/o): Darien's hobbies include dressing in formal wear and masks, standing on top of tall poles, and chucking flowers at underage women. KEN (v/o): Is it just me or does his name sound like a condom ad? VIC (v/o): Good point Ken, and oooooh! He cracks his head on a log and goes into the drink for a good brain washing. His third this week. KEN (v/o): That's a case of being brained over brawn. VIC (v/o): Right you are, Ken. VIC (v/o): Now the Captors send Madison Taylor. MADISON: If I win, Sakura will let me ride on her staff! VIC (v/o): Madison is of course the fashion guru with all the cash. Most of it is money she made herself by selling, ahem, videotapes of friends. KEN (v/o): Hey, I think I see a twenty sticking out of her pants. VIC (v/o): Well she won't be able to buy her way out of this one, but she's taking it slowly, making headway and... oh, look at that! Makes it into the end zone with a big belly flop! KEN (v/o): Yeah, that staff ride must have been a real big incentive for her. VIC (v/o): It finally puts the Captors on the board. KEN (v/o): Wait! I was wrong, that bill is only a fiver. VIC (v/o): And here comes Amara, or rather, Uranus. KEN (v/o): Man, she must hate her parents for that one. AMARA: Incest is best! VIC (v/o): Amara's cousin Michelle wanted to be here for support, but she sprained her elbow last night while bouncing a lemon off her... violin. KEN (v/o): Those two make beautiful music together. VIC (v/o): You could say that. KEN (v/o): So why is Amara wearing a suit instead of a skirt? Does she hope it will help her keep her balance? VIC (v/o): Actually she does that to put all the other girls off balance. Ooop, but there's a hard hit to her front as she goes down! KEN (v/o): Man, that busted her up. VIC (v/o): Next we have Sakura's brother, Tori. TORI: Everybody vote conservative! VIC (v/o): Tori's latest job has him helping out Canadian backbenchers. His favourite hobby involves inventing pet names for people, which includes calling Sakura 'Squirt'. I suppose it's not hard to guess why. KEN (v/o): I hear he also fools around a lot with the caucus. VIC (v/o): Indeed, Ken. Ohhh, and he rolls right over the lumber before taking the plunge! He's not winning any votes that way... KEN (v/o): Yeah, Tori winds up receiving a real liberal dosing of the fluid! VIC (v/o): Up comes Raye Hino, also known as Mars. RAYE: I'm now 20% less bitchy! VIC (v/o): Raye is a practising Shinto who likes to smack people with post-it notes while pretending that they're actually charged fireballs. KEN (v/o): Hold on, how does she expect to stay upright wearing those ridiculous two inch heels?? VIC (v/o): She practices day and night, Ken. Mostly night. And it certainly seems to be working for her right... oh! KEN (v/o): Yikes! Raye tries to dig those heels in and only succeeds in spinning backwards and beaning her head on a log! I wonder if she's ever felt wood that hard before. VIC (v/o): Hope she still remembers how to spell her name after this. VIC (v/o): Last but not least is Eli Moon for the Captors. No relation to Sailor Moon, we think. ELI: I'm overcompensating for something! VIC (v/o): Eli likes using his huge staff to tease Sakura and her friends. He also says it's helped to improve his golf game. KEN (v/o): Yeah, he always used to have trouble with the big windmill. VIC (v/o): He of course took up golf after being kicked out of the local casino for card counting. Hmm, he almost takes a tumble there but manages to forge on... KEN (v/o): Hey, Eli is a pretty good forger too. He's bought all his property using Clow Reed's old credit cards. VIC (v/o): Indeed he has, Ken. He really walks on the wild side. And it looks like he'll keep on walking, all the way to the bank, as he makes it across! That pulls the Captors even, making our score 2 to 2. ==commercial== Mr. Announcer: Now back to our action, featuring stock attacks and fashion impacts! CUT TO Vic AND Ken. VIC: And we have a tie score Ken, isn't that exciting? KEN: You know Vic, I've been thinking of turning us both into bishounen. After all, they get all the fangirls. VIC: I'm not so sure that's such a good idea. KEN: Why not? All I'd need to do is get us some bad wigs, coloured contacts, a makeup kit... VIC: You've forgotten what kind of girl you're talking about. My career is bad enough already without ending up in a Yaoi fic next to you. KEN: What? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. VIC: No? KEN: No, you'd get paired off with Guy. VIC: (hits KEN with his fan) Kenny.... CUT TO CHEESY KEN-O-TRON VIDEO SIMULATION OF A GUY SLIDING DOWN A WET SLOPE IN A RICE BOWL BEFORE TOPPLING OVER. VIC (v/o): Now, in the Rice Bowl Downhill the contestants have to both survive the trip down and then stay afloat when they hit the fluid at the bottom. KEN (v/o): Which is actually fanboy drool, yum. CUT TO Capt. STANDING AT TOP OF WET, SLIPPERY SLOPE NEXT TO ENORMOUS RED RICE BOWL. THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE SHOWS, WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT BY THIS POINT. VIC (v/o): Our first contestant here is Li Showron. LI: Some languages make Li my middle name too! VIC (v/o): Li is Sakura's fellow cow catcher, except the dub milks his role, adding in an udderly irritating superiority complex. KEN (v/o): I'm not sure he's playing with a full deck. VIC (v/o): You're not wrong. So, we see here how he's picking up speed on the way down and... oh! The change in momentum at the bottom upends him right into the drool! KEN (v/o): Hey, and what's funny is how the pommel of his sword smacked into his forehead! Let's watch that on Instant Replay! VIC (v/o): Right you are, Ken. I wonder why they let a kid like him carry a huge sword around Tokyo anyway. KEN (v/o): Well, would you want to argue with him? VIC (v/o): Good point, Kenny. VIC (v/o): Now up for the Moonies it's Seiya. SEIYA: Today, I am a man! VIC (v/o): While Seiya has not actually appeared in dubbed form, he's been allowed to participate here since so many people don't know his first name is 'Kou'. KEN (v/o): Hey, wasn't this guy once a saint or something? VIC (v/o): No, you're thinking of another anime. Unless you're referring to the Church of Sexual Confusion, which has once again elected Seiya keeper of their serious laser. KEN (v/o): Ahhh. Wait, what's an unserious laser? VIC (v/o): I don't think it matters here, as Seiya has fallen out of the bowl! He's scrambling to catch up to it but only succeeds in belly flopping into the fluid. KEN (v/o): Ouch! Hey, will that make him change gender or am I thinking of the wrong anime again? VIC (v/o): Nevermind, Ken. Here comes Ruby Moon for the Captors. RUBY: Don't hate me because I'm genderless! VIC (v/o): Ruby is a deadbeat who lives with Eli, though she wants it known that she is NOT related to him, no matter what the dub implied when they changed his name. KEN (v/o): Wait, if she's a gem, doesn't that make her a Sailor Moon villain? VIC (v/o): You should really stop wasting precious brain cells trying to figure this stuff out. Oho, and Ruby takes a tumble as her bowl hits bottom, flipping her head over heels into that drool! KEN (v/o): Geez, we've sure been Mooned a lot this show. VIC (v/o): Yes, the competitors are being very cheeky. VIC (v/o): Now up comes Mercury, who also goes by Amy. AMY: I surf the web for porn! VIC (v/o): She's a computer technician who enjoys getting wet, wearing knee high boots, and she also has an affinity for anything of the colour blue. KEN (v/o): Especially blue balls! VIC (v/o): What's that? KEN (v/o): Blue mouse balls, she uses them in her computer. VIC (v/o): Of course she does. She's taking a very calculated approach to this scenario as she slides down, trying to judge when the time is right for shifting her weight... she hits the bottom and oohhhh! So close! KEN (v/o): Man, it almost looks like she dove forwards into that drool. Maybe she thought this was a swimming competition. VIC (v/o): Well, let's take it down to Guy and find out. CUT TO Gui STILL IN HIS STUPID HAT BUT ALSO HAVING A LARGE BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD. HE IS IN A RANDOM LOCATION AND STANDING NEXT TO Amy WHO IS VERY WET. GUI: Ooooh, vat happind, zou vere sow veery clouse und den zou joust feel outta de coupe! AMY (blushing): Well, I gained five pounds last week and forgot to factor that into my calculations. GUI: Ahh, vell, vit zor clothses cleenging to zou lik dat eetz veerie eezy to zee vere dat extra veight hasse goon! Perhips Gui can eenterest zou in hees peersonil exersisse regeeme? AMY: Sorry, but my overprotective boyfriend Greg said never trust anyone who has a worse accent than Pavel Chekov. GREG SUDDENLY COMES UP BEHIND Gui, SPINS HIM AROUND, AND KNEES HIM HARD IN THE CROTCH. Gui COLLAPSES. GUI (from ground): Oooohh, Gui like! CUT BACK TO Capt. STANDING AT TOP OF WET, SLIPPERY SLOPE NEXT TO ENORMOUS RED RICE BOWL AS ANOTHER CONTESTANT APPROACHES. VIC (v/o): So next we have Kero Bear-Os, the Captor's mascot. KERO: Don't I sound adorable? NOT! VIC (v/o): Kero's hobbies are eating, playing video games, eating, driving a cab in Brooklyn, eating, hosting Kero's Kornered, and eating. Sometimes he takes time out from all that to tell Sakura to expect the unexpected. KEN (v/o): Are stuffed animals really allowed to participate today? VIC (v/o): Well, there's no rule banning plushies, though of course the Scouts' cats chickened out when they heard water might be involved.... Yikes! KEN (v/o): Wow, that bowl overbalanced quickly, and it seems to have trapped Kero underneath! VIC (v/o): You're so right. It'll be all downhill for him from there. VIC (v/o): The Moonies now send Rini, who is known to both her enemies and her friends as Mini-Moon. RINI: I'm so /kewwwwwwwwte/!!!11oneeleven!! VIC (v/o): Rini is a professional whiner with an irritating voice and an Electra Complex. For any of you wondering what that is, Freud defined it as a girl's desire to get pregnant by her father while hating her mother, so don't say that this show never taught you anything. KEN (v/o): Don't forget Vic, Rini also has a thing for horses who've got huge horns on their foreheads, and was supposedly one of the original coneheads. VIC (v/o): Good point, Ken. She's fast approaching the pool of drool now and... whoa! She gets beaned in the back of the head by the lip of the bowl as it flips her out! RINI: Aiiiiiie! *Sploosh* KEN (v/o): Well, that's got Rini doing a passable submarine impression. All that pink hair probably dulled the impact though. VIC (v/o): I'm not so sure... she doesn't seem to be coming back up. KEN (v/o): Hey, why are her teammates cheering? VIC (v/o): Beats me. Anyway, if she surfaces later on, we'll let you know. VIC (v/o): So with the score still tied at two there's only the Team Captains left. Here's Sakura Avalon for the Cardcaptors. SAKURA: Nana, nana, na, nana, na, can't stand no nagging anymore! VIC (v/o): Born on April Fool's Day, Sakura is a cheerleader who is often accused of doing unauthorized tarot readings. She also holds the distinction of being one of the few magical girls here today who did NOT have her transformation sequence blurred out, mainly because she doesn't have one. KEN (v/o): Yeah, and if you haven't been pronouncing her name saKUra to this point, shame on you. VIC (v/o): Truer words were never spoken, Ken. Can't have any cherry blossom references on American television! KEN (v/o): She's rocketing down the slope in her bowl now, looking a bit seasick. Oh, wait, she's mumbling something... SAKURA: Key of the Star, with Powers burning Bright, Reveal the Staff, and Shine your Light! Relea-- *SPLASH* KEN (v/o): She needs to find a shorter catchphrase. VIC (v/o): She sure does, but it doesn't matter! Even without the help of a card, she's managed to stay afloat! She's leaning over the edge of the bowl now and... oh dear. KEN (v/o): Cleanup in the pool! VIC (v/o): Which brings us to the last chance for the Scouts, it's Serena, the Moon Princess herself! Except she's fallen down while approaching the set. She's back up... and down again. Up... down. Up... down. KEN (v/o): Sounds like my last date. SERENA: Sailor Moon Says... Don't Drink and Dub! VIC (v/o): Okay, looks like she's finally ready. So the big question is, can she tie it back up? KEN (v/o): I doubt it. After all, she's most known for being a total clutz, a hungry pig, a lazy slob, a meatball head, a ditzy blonde, a hopeless romantic, an annoying crybaby, a... VIC (v/o): Yes, yes, we get the idea. Serena is also a well known whine taster who uses drunkenness as an excuse to dance with strange men. Though it's worth pointing out that she usually comes through for her friends in the end! KEN (v/o): Yeah, well, let's just hope those huge ponytails don't get caught on anything. VIC (v/o): Indeed, Ken. And as she's heading down her bowl is starting to spin around, she may be losing control... SERENA: Moon Spiral Heart Attack! VIC (v/o): Wow, I didn't see that one coming! KEN (v/o): Yeah, hey, she used a bunch of hearts to skim that spinning bowl right over the surface of the fluid! Is that legal? VIC (v/o): There's nothing against it in the rules. KEN (v/o): And where did she pull that long, thick rod from? VIC (v/o): Don't ask, Ken. The point being she's suffered no ill effects, simply getting out and walking away, dizzy being her usual state. KEN (v/o): Well, as Raye's grandfather used to say, once a natural blonde, always a natural blonde. VIC (v/o): ...That doesn't make any sense, Ken. And while Serena's fallen down yet again, it wasn't before making this a three-all tie! CUT BACK TO Vic AND Ken IN SOME RANDOMLY GENERATED LOCATION, STILL FLAKED BY ANONYMOUS ASSISTANTS. KEN: Wait, a tie? Then who's the winner? VIC: Why the fans are the winners Kenny, with the CEOs being the big losers! They'd hoped to weed out the competition here, but it seems like it's only made the characters angrier as they head off to continue their assault on the corporate offices. So it's a happy ending! KEN: What? No way, it's not the ending yet! VIC: What do you mean? KEN: We still have to show my top ten! VIC: Oh, that's right - so here come "Kenny Blankenship's Most Painful Eliminations of the Day"!!! DURING THE LAST LINE IS A QUICK CUT TO 'Most Painful Eliminations' TITLE SCREEN, BEHIND WHICH THERE ARE CLIPS OF VARIOUS ANIME SCENES NEVER SHOWN ON NORTH AMERICAN TELEVISION. AS Ken PROCEEDS TO RHYME OFF THE TOP TEN, WE SEE MORE SPECIFIC FLASHES OF THE SCENES HE'S TALKING ABOUT. KEN: At Number 10 - It's the elimination of three of the early episodes of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon (BSSM)... not to mention Minako's flashback episode later on and a few others. One notable slice that was taken out in the corporate drive to get to Mercury, was the scene here showing Usagi with green hair and a keen outfit, walking into a bar and ordering a cream soda! I mean really, it's not like they made these cuts to end on a great breakpoint in SMR, the CEOs were just being complete prudes. For Number 9 - We have the elimination of the first seven episodes of Card Captor Sakura (CCS)! Forget backstory, some bigwig decided starting with Sayoran Li's first episode would pick up more demographics. This left the early episodes to be shown later in flashback, though with "Allies" (the original episode three), you can watch here in horror as all dialogue is retooled in order to explain why Sakura only had THREE cards she could use to catch the powerful water elemental. A card which she'd USED to catch the fire elemental. What, all the other cards were on strike? At Number 8 - The second season CCS episode dubbed "Dream a Little Dream" goes the distance on elimination, dropping a number of flashbacks into the show in order to step over the sequences where the Dream Card influences Tomoyo and Sayoran. Yes, instead of watching the aforementioned characters have dreams of Sakura, we have Sakura herself remembering stuff that happened only a few episodes ago. Are we really that forgetful? Why are Sayoran's dreams of Sakura in a movie theatre so X-Rated? Actually, EVERY time you see flashback sequences in this show, be suspicious of what you're missing. Moving up to Number 7 - Here we see the lack of any dub for BSSM's Stars season. Which is not so surprising when you consider the huge time lag between the start of the SMR season and when later episodes were actually considered for completion. By this time, a number of the voice actors had to be changed too, which is a bit jarring. Hell, if the fifth season of Stars ever does get done, it'll only be after many meetings by the bigwigs to determine the worst possible way to do it. In the meantime, anyone who wants to see more Outer Senshi or transvestites in leather will have to track down fansubs. Oh, wait, maybe that's a good thing... At Number 6 - Here's hack and slash number one, when our fearless execs dubbing the third season for CCS decided they didn't really need TWO episodes to describe how Sakura was going to transform the Sword and Fly cards (from "A New Set of Wings"). So they rolled the puppeteering and huge teddy bear back into a single episode, eliminating scenes as they went. Man, it was obvious what they'd done even before seeing the episode listing! Then the corporate wonders try this AGAIN towards the end of the season, during the aptly named "Vanishing Act", with two episodes about Sakura watching Touya and Yukito act out a movie and its later screening; Maze and Illusion cards were featured, if you're keeping track at home. Number 5 - So we come to the episode showing Chibi-Usa's first arrival, "Serena Times Two". We start with an extended kiss that gets masked with talk of caramel BUBBLEGUM, because kids, kissing is bad, and should never last longer than two seconds. (Wait, why didn't they just trim the footage?) The dub then refuses to acknowledge how Chibi pointed a toy gun and shot it, which I suppose I could actually defend if it wasn't for their next move. Namely having Chibi's departure being the footage of her ARRIVING done in reverse. Hey, if she has the power to bounce backwards and vanish into a pink cloud at will, how come we never see her use that ability later on? Low batteries on the Luna-P? Now at Number 4 - It's hack and Slash number two, with the oft touted "Sailor Senshi death episodes". For those not in the know, the two episodes closing off the original first season got cut back into a single season finale, "Day of Destiny". Yet it's not even enough that the executives couldn't show the Senshi dying or a even slap to the face, they decide to screw with the dialogue that remains, belittling Mercury's sacrifice in taking out the hologram generator. Most of the Endymion ("I'm Prince Darien, I don't recognize the name Darien") stuff ends up on the cutting room floor too, including his being impaled by a crystal shard. There HAD to be a better way of conveying what went on here other than "everyone got captured because they acted like morons". Number 3 - Oh dear, it's the painful elimination of the entire CCS romance between Sakura and Yukito ("Julian"). This one is simply messy, taking out several bit scenes, such as Sakura blushing after he gives her a candy when she's roller blading to school (oh, the horror). However, we must highlight the WORST transgression in this sequence, which is from the episode "The Third Element", closing off season one. To get to the fair (and the Firey card), the dub wants us to believe Sakura dials Yukito "by accident" and ends up going with HIM to the fair when she "really wanted to phone Li" and Kero "just hit the wrong auto-dial button" on the phone... PLEASE. That dialogue was BEYOND contrived, and excessively painful to listen to. Moving up to Number 2 - Look, it's the first season BSSM episode right after Jupiter was first found, which was called "The Power of Friendship". Which is apparently a great advocate for unions, as it features "Senshi on Strike". WHAT? No, really, "Raye" is vying to be the leader so much here that she pinches "Amy" into submission, and both of them refuse to help Sailor Moon in a life threatening situation. With a few lines of dialogue, Raye becomes a cold hearted bitch, Amy goes beyond submissive, and the group behaves like a bunch of PMSers, when in reality "Lita" was just the one nearest to the fight. Thanks CEOs, this is a GREAT model of "Friendship", made all the more fitting through a number of other cuts, including ones to the plotline featuring Usagi's friend, Naru. And now for my Number One Most Painful Elimination of the day! Number 1 - It's that episode they cut where Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask are finally getting married! The two of them invite all these other anime characters over and this big orgy breaks out with Tuxie in his video room pulling out his big... VIC (v/o): Kenny!! That was never a scene in any show, you're riffing off a terrible script for an ecchi animation about seven ballz! KEN (v/o): Really? VIC (v/o): Yes, and we can't afford the rights for those clips. KEN (v/o): Oh, okay... then for my Number One painful elimination, let's watch Rini getting dumped into the fanboy drool again! REPLAY OF SCENE WITH Rini GETTING TIPPED OUT AND HIT ON THE HEAD AS SHE GOES UNDER, WHICH IS REWOUND, AND THEN REPLAYED OVER AGAIN. RINI: Aiiiiiie! *Sploosh* RINI: Aiiiiiie! *Sploosh* RINI: Aii-Aii-Aiiiiiie! *Sploosh* KEN (v/o): No Horse Whisper by that girl was going to save her from this fate. VIC (v/o): Indeed you're right, Ken. CUT TO VIC AND KEN SITTING IN A DOPEY LOOKING SCOOTER CAR THAT ONLY MAKES SENSE IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE ORIGINAL TAKESHI'S CASTLE. THE GUYS WE DON'T CARE ABOUT ARE STILL HANGING AROUND, EXCEPT THEY MIGHT BE DIFFERENT GUYS. KEN: You know that was fun, we should do this again! VIC: (appears to think for a moment) ...No, let's not. But what is it we always say? ALL: (raising hands, cheering) DON'T GET ELIMINATED! FRAME FREEZES. VIC (v/o): Don't get badly dubbed either. ROLL THE FOLLOWING CREDITS OVERTOP OF YOUR FAVOURITE SCENES FROM THIS SHOW. *Cloverway.... representing the BEAST in Japanese animation! *Spike TV..... all James Marsters, all the time! *With footage from.... "Takeshi's Castle", "MXC" (dub), "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon", "Sailor Moon" (dub), "Card Captor Sakura", and "Cardcaptors" (dub). *Meh, it's all in fun, don't sue me, I don't make much.