<> --Woody Allen Ruri: "One hundred and ninety five years in your future, a company's fancy became reality with a ship never seen before. The Nadesico, a giant Mobile Battleship. The motivation for spending a fortune to create the Nadesico was to defend against the Jovian invaders. However, at the moment we're cooking with Akito." Yurika: Allez cuisine! ---MARTIAN SUCCESSOR NADESICO--- EPISODE 10.3: WE PREFERRED BEING PILOTS Ruri: "It was following the Nadesico's fateful mission to Tenician Island that many of our crew began to familiarize themselves with various styles of cooking. Then, adding a shot of irony, Captain Yurika secretly started teaching the Nadesico pilots to become cooks. And in the tradition of the old Japanese TV program, she's now named our pilots the Iron Chefs, the invincible people of culinary skills! Iron Chef Rice is Ryoko Subaru. Iron Chef Doujinshi is Hikaru Amano. Iron Chef Ukulele is Maki Izumi. And Akatsuki Nagare is Iron Chef Aestivalis. Kitchen Kolliseum is the area where Iron Chefs await the challenges of other people from around the ship. Both the Iron Chef and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day, using all their senses, skills, creativity, they're to prepare artistic dishes you've understandably never heard of before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will gain the people's ovation and become Captain for a day. Every battle, reputations are on the line in Kitchen Kolliseum, where master pilots pit their artistic creations against chefs. What inspiration does today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chef fight back? There are too many idiots." Yurika: If memory serves me right, I don't have quotation marks because I'm not being dubbed by a British person. I'm also very excited, because we're about to have our very first Kitchen Kolliseum battle here on the Nadesico!! And for this battle, it only makes sense to have our resident wizard cook, Miss Howmei, taking on my Iron Chefs. An amazing woman in the kitchen, she has over 300 different spices and seasonings available in her pantry. Any food you want prepared, she can do it, and she even knows how to fish! I'm sure that this choice of challenger will make our first battle extra special, so please keep watching. Howmei: "My aim today is just to create dishes that everyone can enjoy. Though I'm also going to try and head off any collateral damage in the kitchen." Yurika Misumaru enters Kitchen Kolliseum and bites into a yellow bell pepper. ---IRONY CHEF 3--- Yurika: So, a big hello to everyone out there! Thanks to a lull in the enemy's activities, we're pleased to bring you the Nadesico's very first Iron Chef battle. And today's challenger is someone we all know and love - some say she's even the favourite to win! Let's bring her out, it's Miss Howmei! Ruri: "Howmei enters Kitchen Kolliseum. As you know her, and you know what's happening, why should I say more?" Yurika: Glad to have you here, Miss Howmei! Howmei: "I'm pleased to be here." Yurika: So what do you think of this idea to do a cooking show? Howmei: "Well, it's certainly a good opportunity for people to learn more about the culinary arts. Plus it's no stranger than any of the other things that happen around here." Yurika: True, true... okay then, I think it's time for you to meet your opponents. I summon, the Iron Chefs!! Ruri: "Rising up into Kitchen Kolliseum now are the pilots recently dubbed 'Iron Chefs'. I don't see any reason to read this part of the script, since I already introduced them to you earlier..." Yurika: So Howmei, what's your decision?? Howmei: "Maki Izumi, please!" Ruri: "And Howmei selects the pilot of the blue Aestivalis to be her opponent. Izumi, occasionally described as being a depressed loony, is well known for her humourous witticisms. The choice is therefore unlikely to go over very well with any translation teams, assuming this episode ever gets released." Yurika: Now, earlier today I asked people around the ship for good theme ingredient ideas. Surprisingly enough, there was one suggestion which I received more often than any other. So I decided to run with it! And so we unveil the ingredient! Today's ingredient is... Nuts!! BATTLE NUTS Ruri: "And it's Howmei and Izumi in a battle of nuts. Baka baka. But please, stick around... it's not often you get to see a pilot trying to outcook a chef." Yurika: Allez Cuisine! Time allotted: One hour. The chef who prepares dishes that better articulate the theme ingredient will be the winner. In the event of a tie there will be a 30 minute overtime battle. Ruri: "There's the opening gong. Howmei heads up to the platform to get some nuts, while Izumi tunes her ukulele. As that's not terribly exciting, I'll introduce our guests. First we have anime voice actress and bridge communications officer, Megumi Reinard." Megumi: "Hi!! I'm so glad to have been given the opportunity to participate in this experience." Ruri: "I believe it was because your contract identifies you as a major character. But regardless, it's nice to have you here." Megumi: "And it's good that we're participating in a battle today which won't involve casualties, don't you think?" Ruri: "Well, one hopes it won't. Now, our other guest here today is the Nadesico's former pilot, Jiro Yamada..." Gai: "That's Gai Daigoji!!!" Ruri: "Who... wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be...?" Gai: "Nevermind, nevermind. It's like Mark Twain once said, those rumours can be greatly exaggerated." Ruri: "I believe you're referring to Samuel Clemens." Gai: "No, Mark Twain! He preferred his spiritual name too." Ruri: "If you say so. And finally, rounding out our party is the resident expert. He's someone I'm sure you've been expecting, as he's familiar with both piloting and cooking skills... Akito Tenkawa." Akito: "Always a pleasure! Even more so today as Gai's brought along some of his Gekiganger paraphernalia!!" Ruri: "So much for series continuity." Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Oh, Minato Haruka is our floor telecaster." Minato: "Yes, I just thought I should let you know what's been going on down here while you've all been chatting!" Ruri: "I've seen what's been going on. Howmei has combined egg, milk, butter, almond extract and cranberries, and she is preparing to add that to a mixture of flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Meanwhile, Izumi has finally gone up to the platform." Minato: "Really? Oh, okay, I missed some of that..." Megumi: "So, what kind of nuts are we dealing with today?" Ruri: "Isn't that a leading question?" Gai: "Well it looks like the items on the platform include pecans, almonds and peanuts." Akito: "Yes, Gai, you're right... though that's odd. After all, peanuts aren't nuts, they're legumes." Megumi: "French vegetables?" Akito: "No, no, legumes are edible seeds enclosed in pods." Gai: "What?! But this is an outrage! You can't mix legumes with nuts! The original show would never have made a mistake like this!!" 15 minutes have elapsed. Ruri: "From your tone, I take it you've seen the original show." Gai: "Of course! Why, Iron Chef is almost as good as Gekiganger! Look, I even brought along my authentic Sakai knife. Hiroyuki Sakai CUUUUUT!!!" Megumi: "Hey, watch where you're waving that thing!" Akito: "Gai, you just sliced your Joe action figure in half!!" Gai: "Oh no... JOEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Meanwhile, back on our cooking show..." Minato: "It looks like Howmei is making bread!" Ruri: "You were tipped off by the loaf now in the oven?" Minato: "Yes, the one sprinkled with almonds. Howmei is now mixing up a casserole which includes pecans!" Megumi: "And I think Izumi's finally cooking too. Look, she's doing something with corn syrup, sugar, flour, egg yolks... or is she using the shells?" Ruri: "Hard to tell. Akito, do you know what she's making?" Akito: "It's okay! I think Joe's going to be all right!" Gai: "Oh, JOOOEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Minato: "I'll ask for you, RuriRuri!" Ruri: "I think someone should..." Megumi: "Akito, why are you paying so much attention to Gai? I thought if anyone was going to distract you it would be me. Hey, Gai, let's change seats, okay?" Akito: "Euh, well, wait..." Gai: "Ah, what a good idea Megumi, I'll get a much better view over here! So, now that Joe's okay, let's Gekiga-in, Iron Chefs!!" Megumi: "There now, isn't this much better, Akito?" Akito: "Euh, er..." Gai: "So, Ruri, one thing I've been wondering is why Howmei's girls are the cooking assistants. It looks like that gives the challenger an unfair advantage!" Ruri: "No... actually, it was meant to improve the Iron Chef's odds." Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Yes?" Minato: "I just asked Maki Izumi what she was making, to which she replied it wasn't a mackerel that had to be canned." Ruri: "I see. Evidently she's still thinking inside the box." Minato: "But she then assured me tart was piquant. Hence the best guess from the assistants is a pecan tart." 30 minutes have elapsed. Ruri: "I see. Akito, any comments on that as we pass the halfway point?" Akito: "Oh! Ah, er, sorry, what was the question?" Megumi: "Boy, it can get really hot in the kitchen, can't it..." Yurika: Hey, what's going on up here?! Gai: "Ahhh! Yurika, what are you doing?? Kaga never had any dialogue during the cooking! Author, author!" Ruri: "Baka baka." Minato: "RuriRuri?" Ruri: "Hai, hai." Minato: "I just remembered I asked Howmei a question earlier! Namely why she selected Izumi as her opponent. Howmei replied that it was all a part of her plan to minimize collateral damage in the kitchen." Ruri: "Of course. And speaking of avoiding collateral damage, Yurika's gone again now that Megumi's changed her seat with Yamada once more." Gai: "That's Gai Daigoji! Anyway, I just realized that the view from my original seat was better for watching Howmei. Look, she's now cooking pecans in her frying pan!" Akito: "Um, you know Gai, your physical seat doesn't matter. We have these pop up viewing windows." Ruri: "Not that you can trust any system running windows." Megumi: "Hmmmmm, so what's the state of things anyway? What happened to Howmei's casserole?" Akito: "Oh, that's still there... and actually, it resembles her popular Mars Bowl! The beef sauce rice dish with octopus shaped wieners!" Gai: "Why is that bowl so popular anyway? I thought Mars food tasted bad." Megumi: "Probably because Howmei puts a little love into every bite!" Ruri: "I still prefer the chicken fried rice." 20 minutes to go. Minato: "Oh, RuriRuri!" Ruri: "What have you got, Minato?" Minato: "Well, apparently Akito's right, Howmei IS basing her current dish on the Mars Bowl. Except she's using pecans instead of wieners, and she's also adding mushrooms to taste - making it a real super bowl!" Gai: "Wow! There's going to be little footballs in there too?!" Akito: "Er, no Gai... I don't think it relates to THE Super Bowl..." Megumi: "Though that makes me wonder whether Izumi's planning on doing any special bowling." Minato: "She told me she wouldn't pin hopes on a spare ribbing." Ruri: "So now the sports references are out of the way..." Akito: "And speaking of Izumi, I think I've figured out her dishes. She has a pecan pie in the oven, and some almond mix which is coming off the stove and going into her ice cream maker." Gai: "True. But doing all that must have tired her out... she's sitting down and taking out her ukulele again!" Megumi: "Now Izumi's singing... someone turn up the sound?" Izumi: "Nuts, nuts, out of your shells, Nuts, bolts, they wrench your cells, It would be better to serve some cold cuts, Except this battle involves astronuts." Akito: "So... as the expert I'm not actually TASTING these dishes, right? I think that was the agreement." Megumi: "I hope someone's been making a list of her ingredients." 15 minutes to go. Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Go ahead." Minato: "I've come up to talk with the other Iron Chefs! Ryoko's looking particularly glum... Ryoko, what's the problem?" Ryoko: "Oh, I just found Izumi's song depressing." Hikaru: "Actually, Ryoko's upset that she can't show off her cooking skills in front of Akito." Ryoko: "That's not it!" Hikaru: "It's too bad neither of us were chosen..." Minato: "Which reminds me, didn't Prospector say something about the two of you damaging very expensive equipment during your training?" Hikaru: "Oh, that? Well... when cooking, you get to burning..." Ryoko: "The alcohol caught fire unexpectedly!" Minato: "Ahh, of course. Now, Akatsuki, you've been very quiet. Any final commentary from you?" Akatsuki: "I preferred being a pilot." Minato: "And back to you, RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Where, in the last twelve minutes, we seem to have a crisis. Howmei is missing the proper tool for turning her peanuts into peanut butter." Megumi: "You mean a really big mallet?" Akito: "No, no, Howmei uses grinding plates." Gai: "And Izumi's in trouble too! She still only has two dishes!!" 10 minutes to go. Ruri: "But Izumi doesn't seem to be concerned about her dish count." Gai: "Well, she should be!! Each chef needs at least three dishes. This is disturbing... maybe I'll return to reminiscing over my merchandise." Megumi: "Oh, hold on, look! Izumi's starting to work again! She's roasting and salting peanuts." Akito: "So she is. Wonder what she'll combine those... whoa! Hey, Gai, is that a picture of Ken holding a yellow bell pepper?!" Gai: "Yes, it was digitally added in! I've always wondered, what would it be like if the 'Gekiganger' cast were to run an Iron Chef show." Akito: "Gee, it might go something like this..." Ken: "Gekigan Frying Pan!" Joe: "Oh no, nothing happened!" Akara: "Ah-ha-ha-ha! Out of the frying pan, into the fire! Your culinary efforts are useless against me, Earthling!" Akira: "Oh no, Ken, it should be us out there, not you... if only more Iron Chefs were allowed to do battle at once, our teamwork would be unstoppable!!" Joe: "Wait, look! Ken can still use the secret weapon I gave him before the battle began!" Ken: "Gekigan Secret Plan Raisin Bran!!!" Akara: "Auuugggghhhh!" Gai: "Ahhhh, wow, Akito, very realistic!!" Ruri: "Um... guys, let's just stick with the one anime here." Five minutes to go. Megumi: "Okay, so can anyone else figure out what Izumi's doing? She's placing her roasted peanuts into packages." Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Go ahead." Minato: "I asked Izumi about that, and she told me 'I'm hoping our peanut gallery enjoys a salting'." Ruri: "I see. Meanwhile, on the other side, Howmei's worked around her peanut butter problem by making peanut brittle." Akito: "You're right, Ruri! So that makes four dishes for Howmei, the brittle, the bread, the casserole and the salad." Gai: "Salad? What salad?" Megumi: "Oh, I see it. There, next to the tulips." Akito: "What, chulips??" Megumi: "No, no, tulips! There with the violets." Gai: "Someone's getting violent with chulips?! Quick, let's combine our forces with a CROSS CRASH!" Megumi: "Cross crash?" Akito: "Cross crash." Ruri: "Baka baka. Why is it so hard for everyone to stay focused?" Three minutes to go. Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "You have cooking news?" Minato: "Ah, no. Nevermind then." Ruri: "Minna baka." Megumi: "Ruri, who's dubbing you anyway?" Gai: "Hmmmm, okay, all threats seem to have been neutralized by our battle cry... so, let's see whether the competitors can finish their match!" Megumi: "Well, Izumi's assistants have retrieved her ice cream, while Howmei's assistants have the bread out of the oven." Akito: "Which I think was done prematurely." Gai: "Dough!" Akito: "No, it just looks a bit undercooked." Megumi: "This is coming down to the wire. Izumi might pull out the victory after all." One minute to go. Ruri: "Who are you rooting for then, Akito? The chef or the pilot?" Gai: "Yeah, Akito, who's your favourite?" Akito: "Oh, euh, well..." Megumi: "Could it be your favourite isn't even in this competition? Hmmmmmm?" Akito: "Ah, well, that is... er, whoa, check out those tomatoes!" Megumi: "What?!?" Akito: "The ones being added to Howmei's salad, the salad there, look!" 30 seconds to go. Ruri: "What a terrible segue." Minato: "RuriRuri!" Ruri: "Give us the final word." Minato: "Well on the subject of terrible segues, Howmei told me breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Maybe I should stop having it at noon." Megumi: "Especially since you never know when the enemy will strike next." 10 seconds to go. Akito: "Which reminds me, if we're all here, who's manning the bridge?" Gai: "No time to worry about that now, watch carefully as these competitors make a last desperate attempt to complete their final arrangements!" Ruri: "But they've already finished." Five seconds... three... two... one... Ruri: "So that's it, the cooking's done, this nut battle is ovah." Minato: "Okay, well, how was that hour for you, Howmei?" Howmei: "I'll say this, it goes by faster than you'd think." Minato: "Does that mean you weren't able to cook everything in the way you wanted?" Howmei: "Oh no, quite the contrary. A chef must always take such things into account when preparing dishes, so I believe the tasters will be pleasantly surprised." Minato: "Now, Izumi, how do you feel your cooking went today?" Izumi: "Mmmmmm... nutso good." Minato: "...I see. Then what do you think your chances are for a win?" Izumi: "Oddly even odds. Hahahahahahaha..." Ruri: "Howmei has prepared a set of four dishes. First, a cranberry almond bread. Slices of this loaf will be served with a choice of butter, or Earth's latest "I Can't Believe It's Another Butter Substitute" spread. This will be followed by a pretty pleasing pecan salad, popular on a particularly peculiar pint-sized plantation. For it, Howmei roasted sugar coated pecans before adding them to this large assortment of greenery. It also includes tulips and violets in its presentation. Third, we have Howmei's main dish, her Mars Prime Bowl, derived from the most popular dish on board. It contains pecans, rice, mushrooms, and a meat sauce of such epic proportions that I don't have time to describe it. Finally, Howmei concludes with a plain, simple peanut brittle, which was made using demerara sugar imported directly from Guyana." Ruri: "Maki Izumi counters this with a set of three. To start, sealed packages of roasted peanuts. What more is there to say about that? Next comes an almond ice cream, which she made by mixing milk products with pounded almonds. The fruit particles in the dish are actually peaches, and it's being served with a sprig of mint for added colour. Izumi's third and final dish will be a classic pecan pie. The sticky sweetness of this dish should make for a good conclusion to the whole tasting experience, and extra slices will be available one hour after the show, once we're sure that there were no ill effects suffered by the tasters." Tasting. Ruri: "And now the moment of truth, tasting and judgement. On the panel today are: Chief mechanic Seiya Uribatake, communications officer Megumi Reinard, former pilot Jiro Yamada--" Gai: "Gai Daigoji!" Ruri: "--and sub-helmswoman Erina Won. First, the dishes of challenger Howmei." Yurika: But just a warning, today's dishes may contain traces of peanuts and other nuts! I hope no one's allergic. Erina: "Auuugh! Can't.... breathe!!" Ruri: "Now filling in for allergic Erina Won is scientist know-it-all Ines Fresnjue." Ines: "And let me say that cranberry almond bread is a very popular dish to eat while travelling aboard an interstellar ship. In fact, Howmei's use of cranberries instead of cherries or apricots is particularly appropriate, seeing as the Nadesico uses transposition engines. If you don't understand the connection, allow me to explain further..." Megumi: "This is going to be a long tasting session." Ruri: "Skipping ahead, the panel will sample Howmei's pecan salad." Seiya: "The layout here is very nice, reminds me of a rock garden diorama! The flowers are a bit much though." Gai: "Yes, they don't taste as good as the rest of the salad." Howmei: "You weren't supposed to eat the flowers..." Gai: "Right, I knew that!" Megumi: "Well, I think they added a little something special to the overall presentation, while at the same time disguising the fact that the salad itself was pretty dry." Ruri: "Bowls of the Mars Prime dish will now be served to the panel. Let's see how they react." Ines: "Well, I'm not sure if this creation really lives up to the original bowl it was based on, but of course that one likely took several months to perfect. So expecting Howmei to do as much in only an hour would be like firing gravity blasts at a target in a variable gravity area. Certainly not an impossible task, but the probability of success is not very high when you consider the underlying physics." Yurika: Thank you! Anyone else? Gai: "I'm just fond of the taste. Very bold, very righteous..." Seiya: "Ah yes, this dish is really good! But if you ask me, it could never replace the gourmet experience of bad tasting ramen on the beach." Ruri: "Finally, two quick words on the peanut brittle." Megumi: "It's crunchy." Seiya: "You know, I have to admit that Howmei's entire menu had a technically flawless presentation. And while the food itself was a bit too rich for me, I bet that anyone who chose to serve it could dramatically improve their relations with the opposite sex! After all, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, eh? Though I'm still hoping that there's a way to get around that, using models and technical manuals..." Ruri: "We will now proceed to the dishes of the Iron Chef, Maki Izumi." Megumi: "So, what IS the point to these roasted peanuts sealed up in packages?" Gai: "Oh, wait, I get it now! These packages are exactly like the ones served on twentieth century airlines! Excellent idea!! The image of Gekiganger III on the wrapping is a particularly nice touch." Ines: "Of course, by the twenty first century all of those airlines had been merged into a single, huge, bankrupt airline, which could no longer afford to serve these sorts of items in flight. Which was not necessarily a bad thing, given the quality of the food the airlines usually served..." Yurika: I'd be satisfied if only I could get this annoying little package OPEN. Seiya: "Gee, so what's next for memorabilia? Will we be simulating G-forces during a shuttle takeoff?" Ruri: "The panel next gets to taste Izumi's almond-peach ice cream." Gai: "Oh, this is great! I feel such almond joy in my mouth!" Ines: "Yet I can't taste any mounds of the theme ingredient." Izumi: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." Megumi: "For me, it's better than what I was expecting... however, I think the texture of the dish could be dramatically improved by not using peaches that came out of can." Izumi: "Are you getting fresh with me?" Ruri: "Last but not least, here's our Iron Chef's pecan pie." Seiya: "I'm... speechless! I mean, this taste experience is almost as good as the experience you'd have seeing a new Aestivalis, complete with shiny finish and doubly compact engines!" Ines: "I don't agree with that comparison. In fact, I'm personally getting tired of sampling the same sort of thing over and over - no matter how you sugar coat them, nuts are nuts." Megumi: "Well sugar coated nuts are still good, if you ask me." Gai: "Yes, and let me add that this dish has real Gekigan FLAIR!!! Izumi has shown that she is truly an Iron Chef in this battle! Who knew she could cook so well??" Izumi: "As anticipated, people forgot that I do have a serious side, which I did use while cooking. After all, one can't win the big prize just with humour. It's particularly poignant that the character who cracks the most puns is the also the one regarded as being the most depressive, don't you think?" Yurika: Izumi, I... I didn't know you felt that way... but then, why haven't you fully expressed your serious side by preparing more main course dishes? Izumi: "I was short on thyme." Ruri: "So, who is better at working with nuts? Anyone on the ship could qualify, but today's competition involved only two people. You can find out the result for them by looking below." Judgement. Yurika: Today, we witnessed the first historic Iron Chef battle on the Nadesico - perhaps only the first of many! The dishes we sampled were all well prepared, not to mention great tasting. But was Howmei's effort enough to topple the Iron Chef, who took the cooking a lot more seriously than most people expected her to? It's time to find out! Here's the verdict! Ruri: "The suspense builds, as I remind you that this was also a battle of chef versus pilot. So, if Howmei loses, will Maki Izumi take over for her in the kitchen? Will they face a rematch in an Aestivalis? Or will Izumi simply become Captain for a day, since the rules never stipulated that the Iron Chefs were battling to keep Yurika as the Captain? The result may be more complicated than you originally thought. So who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme??" Yurika: It's Challenger Howmei! Ruri: "Miss Howmei wins after all! So she's the one to become Captain for a day, and the day which was randomly drawn for her is February 22nd, 2222. Good luck to Howmei, let's hope twenty five years is enough time for her to prepare. In the meantime, we should take a look at the scores, where it seems that Seiya voted 18-17 for the challenger, Megumi voted 19-17 for the challenger, Yamada voted 20-15 for the Iron Chef, and Ines voted 15-14 for the challenger. Hence Howmei takes it 3-1, and she remains undefeated in Kitchen Kolliseum! I think we can all agree that she put forth an outstanding effort in this battle. Thus, in conclusion, if you enjoyed this Nadesico episode you'll certainly want to return to see episode eleven... which has, come to think of it, a much better "mediocre ending". So author no baka. ^_^ " PLANNING Greg Taylor SCRIPT Greg Taylor STILL PHOTOGRAPHER n/a FOOD COORDINATOR Various cookbooks and websites WITH THANKS TO International "Iron Chef" from FujiTV (as seen on the Canadian Food Network) "Martian Successor Nadesico" from Studio Xebec [please recognize this is all in fun] Coming up next on the Foo Network: Akito acts as host on "The Naked Chef". Oh dear.