<> --Woody Allen Endymion: "One thousand years ago, a ruler's fancy became reality in a forum never seen before. Kitchen Kolliseum, a giant cooking area. The motivation for spending her fortune to create Kitchen Kolliseum was to smooth relations between the Moon Kingdom and the Kingdom of Earth, while simultaneously satisfying her daughter's constant snacking habits." Selenity: Allez cuisine! Endymion: "To realize her dream, she secretly started teaching the Moon Kingdom Princesses various styles of cooking. And she named her Princesses the Iron Chefs, the invincible women of culinary skills! Iron Chef Mercury is Ami Mizuno. Iron Chef Mars is Rei Hino. Iron Chef Jupiter is Makoto Kino. And Minako Aino is no longer allowed anywhere near the kitchen. Kitchen Kolliseum is the area where Iron Chefs await the challenges of master chefs from around the galaxy. Both the Iron Chef and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day, using all their senses, skills, creativity, they're to prepare artistic dishes you've understandably never heard of before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will gain the people's ovation and $5000 dollars of Queen Selenity's money. Every battle, reputations are on the line in Kitchen Kolliseum, where master chefs pit their artistic creations against each other. What inspiration does today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chef fight back? The heat will be on!" Selenity: If memory serves me right, I speak in subtitles and hence have no need for quotation marks. I also believe we are in the midst of a Guardian Princes versus Senshi Princesses battle, best of three with the winner catering a dinner for the Earth's royal family. The record is currently tied at one victory apiece. First there was the Cayenne Pepper Battle between Rei and Jadeite, won by Iron Chef Mars. Then the Ice Cream Battle between Ami and Zoisite, won by challenger Zoisite. This will be the third and final match, and it is between Makoto Kino and our challenger, Guardian Prince Nephrite. Nephrite was born and raised in the Earth Kingdom of Cibolita, a community known primarily for it's scholars. Also a part time tennis coach, this man follows the astrological method of cooking in that he believes the stars know everything about proper spice selection. His training, like that of the other Guardians, has come about under the tutelage of Princess and soon-to-be-queen Beryl from the Kurayami Kingdom. So Nephrite, let us see how you fare against Jupiter, the dean of the Iron Chefs! Nephrite: "I know today's contest will be tough, but I'm confident that I can outwit, outplay and outlast my competition. I'm a survivor." Queen Selenity enters Kitchen Kolliseum and bites into a yellow bell pepper. ---IRONY CHEF--- Selenity: Let us dispense with the dramatics today, we all know why we are here. Entering the Kolliseum now is Prince Nephrite, the challenger, while ascending behind me is Princess Jupiter, the designated Iron Chef for our battle. Both very well versed in the culinary arts. So, for today's competition, I wanted to pick a theme ingredient that would allow them to prepare a multitude of dishes in their own styles while still providing somewhat of a challenge. And so we unveil the ingredient! Today's ingredient is... Canned Tunafish! CANNED TUNAFISH BATTLE Endymion: "Well all right, wasting no time in getting right to the point, Queen Selenity reveals the theme ingredient of canned tunafish. She has apparently chosen not to provide fresh tuna for this battle, perhaps we can get some words on this from our resident culinary expert, Moon Kingdom subject Naru." Naru: "Who knows what goes through Queen Selenity's mind? Maybe she ran out, maybe she just got tired of all the live seafood escaping out onto the floor." Selenity: Allez Cuisine! Time allotted: One hour. The chef who prepares dishes that better articulate the theme ingredient is the winner. In the event of a tie there will be a 30 minute overtime battle. Endymion: "Well the Queen is hard to figure out sometimes, that's for sure. Anyway, there's the opening gong. However, both the Iron Chef and the challenger are still staring at the Queen in utter confusion. So let's take this opportunity to introduce our guests for today. First we have Senshi timekeeper Meiou Setsuna." Setsuna: "Hello again." Endymion: "Er, have you been on this show before?" Setsuna: "I will have been, yes." Endymion: "Okay then, and also here with us today is Guardian Prince Kunzite." Kunzite: "The Earth shall be victorious!" Endymion: "A bit hard to tell at this stage, isn't it Kunzite? But of course you and Nephrite are acquainted, so perhaps this is simply an indication of what you think of your fellow Prince's abilities." Kunzite: "Actually, I think Nephrite's an idiot. But if he doesn't beat this Tinfoil Chef, there's going to be a lot of trouble coming his way." Endymion: "All right then, Kunzite sounding a bit bitter, perhaps upset that he wasn't chosen to participate in the battles..." Kunzite: "How did you end up with the role of a Kolliseum announcer anyway?" Endymion: "But it now appears that the two chefs have finally snapped out of their reverie and gone up to grab cans of the tuna to use in their dishes. Nephrite hurrying back now, and yes, he has commenced setting up his Cibolitan spice chart on a tripod, apparently working out if the moon is currently in the daughter of the fifth house with the holder of the sacred chalice of Rixx..." Serenity: "Endy-kun?" Endymion: "Here's our floor telecaster, Princess Serenity." Serenity: "Yes, I asked Nephrite about whether he's ever used his star spice charts in conjunction with canned goods before, to which he replied 'Of course not! However, I still have the utmost faith in my methods.'." Endymion: "Well, the challenger sounding confident at this early stage then. Meanwhile the Iron Chef is likely to be sticking with the more natural methods used in Jovian spicing." Naru: "Along those lines I think she'll make at least one dish with lemon in it." Endymion: "Because of the relation to seafood?" Naru: "Yes, and because she's got five lemons out on the table there." 15 minutes have elapsed. Endymion: "Okay then, looking over at the Iron Chef's side, she's apparently disregarding the lemons after having sliced them open, currently mixing together a number of other items, I think it's crab meat with yams..." Kunzite: "That looks more like turnips to me." Endymion: "Yes, could be, could be, might be some egg in there too, unless that's just lens flare..." Serenity: "Endy-kun?" Endymion: "Go ahead." Serenity: "I asked the Iron Chef what exactly she did have mixed together in that pot of her's, and apparently it's the leftovers from her potato battle last week. Waste not want not, she said to me, which is usually her style when she cooks." Setsuna: "This might be the casserole dish she will have fed us. I can have seen it go well with tuna." Endymion: "Ah, perhaps the Iron Chef looking to incorporate the tuna into a casserole then, which might also be her key dish. And back on the challenger's side we see he's doing something with celery and other vegetables, this might be an appetizer or even something for a soup." Kunzite: "Nephrite has always been more of a salad man in my experience." Naru: "Would be a good chance for him to make a tuna salad then." Endymion: "A big logic leap there. Though he'll want to start in on a main dish at some point too." Serenity: "Hello again, I was just talking with Nephrite about what his best dish would end up being, and he said that would likely be his famous 20 minute Tuna Stroganoff." Kunzite: "Nephrite does not have a famous 20 minute Tuna Stroganoff!" Serenity: "Apparently he does now, as he found a recipe for it on the back of the tuna can's label." Endymion: "Oh, a recipe which Nephrite will be improving on, of course?" Serenity: "I would assume so." Setsuna: "I believe Naru is about to have pointed out that it will be served over rice or pasta." Naru: "I think he'll serve that dish over rice or pasta." Endymion: "And some very good points being made there. Let's now go back to the Iron Chef side to get a closer look at Jupiter's talents." Kunzite: "Whoa!" Endymion: "I meant her CULINARY talents, cameraman... ah, there we go. Now, what she's doing here is... hm, Naru?" Naru: "Yes, I believe she's mixing those ingredients together because, er, she'll use it for, er... I have no idea what she's doing there." Serenity: "Endy-kun?" Endymion: "Take it." Serenity: "Is it okay if Nephrite gives me a tennis lesson after the battle?" Endymion: "Uhm... sure. We're currently looking at the Iron Chef's dishes though. Can anyone up here identify what the heck she's making?" Setsuna: "I can have, but would hate to have ended up making you completely spoiled before the point is to become moot." Endymion: "Oooookay." 30 minutes have elapsed. Endymion: "Well, now at the halfway mark it looks like some of their dishes are taking shape. Whatever Jupiter was mixing it's just gone into the oven. Let's see a replay of that." Kunzite: "Yup, that's gone into the oven all right." Naru: "Maybe it was a cake." Endymion: "Well a tuna cake for dessert, while rather unusual, would be original. There are points being awarded for creativity here, folks. However I could have sworn she had dough in that item too." Serenity: "Endy-kun?" Endymion: "Go." Serenity: "Go where?" Endymion: "You know, do your bit." Serenity: "Oh, right. Well, I've come up to the challenger's royal box in order to talk with some of his supporters, and in fact I have Princess Beryl herself here now. So, Beryl, you taught these Guardians everything they know about cooking?" Beryl: "What of it?" Serenity: "Well, how do you think Nephrite's doing so far?" Beryl: "What's it to you?" Serenity: "Er, nothing, I'm just doing my job here, Beryl..." Beryl: "Look, can you call me Queen Beryl? I know I'm not technically a full queen yet, but I assure you one day I will be ruler of the Earth!" Serenity: "Fine then, Queen Beryl, can you tell me how you think the challenger is doing??" Beryl: "I'd say so far so good. Thanks for asking." Endymion: "Hate to interrupt but looking back over here at the Iron Chef, it appears she's wrestling with the can opener. Seems to be taking the time to carefully drain the tuna water out of many of those cans too. I wonder what she could be using it for." Naru: "Lasagna!" Endymion: "I don't think so." Naru: "No, I mean that could be what the Iron Chef put into the oven before." Setsuna: "Well, while it will normally have been poor form to combine both a casserole and a lasagna dish, some of Jupiter's creativity which she employed later on this show won't have hit a peak until two weeks from yesterday." Endymion: "Setsuna, are you sure we invite you back?" Kunzite: "Turn a camera on the challenger again, something doesn't look right on Nephrite's side." Endymion: "All right, well, it does look like Nephrite's finally working towards getting his infamous 20 minute tuna stroganoff going..." 20 minutes to go. Endymion: "...which he's timed well." Naru: "The challenger has his tuna salad together too, though it might be a bit heavy on the spices." Setsuna: "Those spices have always been what will be the key for what Nephrite will have cooked before he finishes today." Naru: "I was just saying, it looks spicy. I'm a little worried for Nephrite, okay?" Kunzite: "Oh, yes, that's what looked funny. Nephrite's spice chart has been turned upside down." Serenity: "Endy-kun!" Endymion: "Save me, please." Serenity: "Just wanted to give you some of the ingredients going into the Iron Chef's soup over here, it looks like tuna water with tuna particles, onions and almonds." Endymion: "Serenity, we've gone back over to the challenger's side, there's trouble with his spice chart." Setsuna: "Though I will believe that dish of the Iron Chef's may have been served with alcohol too." Kunzite: "Wait, almonds? I'm allergic to almonds." Endymion: "Uh-oh. Er, Serenity, you might want to indicate to the Iron Chef that we have an allergic guest..." Serenity: "Look, can make up your mind? I'm on my way back to the challenger's side now to ask him about his spice chart. Some of us don't get to sit down for this show!" Endymion: "Okay, okay, do that first then." Kunzite: "If I eat almonds my hair could fall out. There'd better be a 'may contain traces of nuts' warning on that dish!" Serenity: "Hello? Apparently Nephrite inverted his spice chart to better deal with the canned nature of the food." Naru: "Actually I noticed a cameraman knock the chart off it's stand about ten minutes ago, and he put it back up the wrong way." Endymion: "You couldn't have mentioned that sooner, Naru?" Naru: "No one's been taking me seriously. I bet it's because I have relatives who moved to Brooklyn! That's it, isn't it?" Serenity: "Nephrite's now miffed at the cameraman for making him sound stupid." Kunzite: "He doesn't need a cameraman to help him with that." 15 minutes to go. Naru: "Kunzite, don't be so nasty to Nephrite! We should be impartial! I mean you don't see me going down and asking Nephrite out for a parfait after the show's over, do you?" Setsuna: "He couldn't have gone with you anyway, he'll have ended up coaching Serenity on her tennis after the show." Serenity: "Anyway, back to the Iron Chef side, Jupiter's upset that the almonds were even provided seeing as she can't use them. She's restarting her dish from scratch. Fortunately, it's not a total waste, she said she can use the extra empty cans to liven up the presentation of one of her dishes." Endymion: "As indeed there are some points for presentation." Kunzite: "I think something's just caught fire." Endymion: "What? Where's that?" Kunzite: "Just behind the Iron Chef." Endymion: "Serenity, what's going on down there?" Serenity: "Err, apparently someone accidentally bumped into an assistant who then knocked some brandy onto the stove. But don't worry, we've got it all under control!" Endymion: "Who bumped into the assistant??" Serenity: "Let's not go there. Anyway, Jupiter says that she can add more Jovian spice to make a suitable Tuna Flambee. I'm being chased back to the challenger's side now." Naru: "Where it looks like the challenger has just started up his ice cream maker. Seems a little odd for him to be doing that at this late stage." Kunzite: "His stroganoff is coming along surprisingly well though. It looks like he'll be serving it with rice, incidently." Setsuna: "10 minutes to go." 10 minutes to go. Endymion: "Well, time winding down and... whoops! Wait a minute, some of the food on those plates just disappeared. You know anything about that, Serenity?" Serenity: "It wasn't me this time! I swear!" Endymion: "Some challenger's dishes have simply vanished and... wait a minute, now one of the cameramen has collapsed to the floor!" Naru: "It's the same one who knocked over the spice chart earlier." Serenity: "Endy-kun, there's some mild pandemonium down here, apparently the missing dishes were sucked up by the camera itself. There's some strange symbol glowing on it, anyone recognize this?" Kunzite: "I do." Endymion: "Kunzite, you know what happened?" Kunzite: "Yes, I believe Nephrite used the camera to steal energy from the cameraman. It looks like he's now using the energy in order to allow his ice cream maker to run faster." Endymion: "I see. That strategy seems to have backfired though, given that it's also caused the camera to suck up half of the other items he prepared." Kunzite: "Oh yeah, he's in for it now." Setsuna: "I knew he won't have been able to rescue those dishes until time will be up too. I've never been understanding just why there weren't regulations against use of such special powers." Naru: "Well given how Iron Chef Mars often prefers to use her Fire Soul in order to cook meats faster, we can hardly call a penalty." Endymion: "Nephrite now scrambling to pull together what he can." Five minutes to go. Naru: "Well here come the casserole and, er, mystery dish from Jupiter's side, out of the oven." Endymion: "Serenity, we've really got to figure out what that mystery dish is, could you get around to asking her, please?" Serenity: "I'll try." Kunzite: "Hm, it looks like some of Nephrite's tuna salad survived. He may still have a chance." Naru: "It's also looking like the Iron Chef isn't going to get a chance to heat up her soup, I hope she was expecting to serve it cold." Setsuna: "Actually, given what's happening now and soon, I guess it's not unsurprising that the outcome will end up having been as close as it will be." Serenity: "Okay guys, I just asked Jupiter about that dish you had no clue about, and she said it's her own style of a meat pie." Endymion: "A tuna meat pie? That could be interesting." Kunzite: "But I don't recall seeing any tuna go into that dish yet." Three minutes to go. Serenity: "Hm. Yes, the Iron Chef just tasted it herself and said she knew there was something she had forgotten to add." Naru: "So it's a Tuna Surprise then, in that there is no tuna." Endymion: "Still, she can't serve that now as it won't meet the theme ingredient requirements. Unless she just sticks some tuna on top, which doesn't seem very palatable." Setsuna: "On the other hand it has looked like that is exactly what Nephrite's about to be doing with the ice cream." Serenity: "Okay, we've got it straightened out. Somehow in the confusion the Iron Chef put twice the amount of tuna in her casserole and none in the pie thing." Kunzite: "Then she's down one dish while Nephrite's down two? I'm not exactly getting my money's worth here." Naru: "I think I'll point out here that Nephrite's apparently not spicing up his ice cream, but he does have tuna on top and there might be some incorporated into the mix as well. Very creative move in my opinion." Endymion: "I'm starting to think this whole battle is odd enough to go in the record books." Setsuna: "No, it actually won't have been that interesting." One minute to go. Naru: "Nephrite's now draining his rice with something that looks like a tennis racket before combining it with his stroganoff." Endymion: "Meanwhile it appears the Iron Chef's back to fiddling with her lemons." Kunzite: "I've heard that a good Jupiter lemon always has a lot of flowing juices." Endymion: "I really didn't need to hear that." Serenity: "Endy-kun?" Endymion: "Take us home, Serenity." Thirty seconds to go. Serenity: "Well, I came back to the challenger's side to ask Nephrite whether he was concerned about losing those dishes before, to which he replied 'What do you think? Why do you people ask such stupid questions?'." Kunzite: "The pressure's getting to him." Setsuna: "Yet the questions here have become pretty typical of what will be used as the prior standard." Ten seconds to go. Endymion: "So the last few seconds ticking away now, both chefs scrambling to finish what they can, I wonder if they'll manage." Naru: "Everything does seem to be coming together, mostly." Five seconds... three... two... one... Endymion: "And that's it, the cooking's done, our canned tunafish battle is ovah!" Serenity: "So, how did that hour go?" Nephrite: "Well, there was of course that unexpected setback towards the end, but I'm confident that what I have produced is enough to take down the Iron Chef." Serenity: "You're predicting a win then?" Nephrite: "With 'Queen' Beryl looking over my shoulder I can hardly say otherwise." Serenity: "So, Iron Chef, how did your dishes turn out?" Jupiter: "Okay, I guess. I was hoping to incorporate almonds somewhere. Why the hell were they available if I couldn't use them?" Serenity: "But what you have, you think it's enough for a win?" Jupiter: "Yeah, well, a win would be nice, obviously." Endymion: "Challenger Nephrite has salvaged three dishes. First, Starchart Tuna Salad. The normally ordinary salad has apparently been spiced up according to, ironically, the position of Jupiter in Earth's nighttime sky. Second, Tuna Stroganoff A La Nephrite. Served on a bed of rice, the mushrooms and green onions in this dish are expected to accentuate the flavour of the tuna. The ever popular Cibolitan spices are also present in this dish. Finally, Tuna With Ice Cream, which looks exactly like it sounds but will apparently taste much better." Endymion: "Iron Chef Jupiter counters with a set of four. First, Canned Tuna On A Plate. Not much to say about this except that it's served with some Jovian peppercorns. Second, Cold Tuna Soup. An ingenious use of the tuna water from the cans, garnished with a little onion, basil, and served with brandy to make for a timely distraction. Third is her Tuna Casserole. Words fail me in describing this dish. There's just a mishmash of a bunch of things in there, including potatoes and tuna. At any rate, it looks better than you might think. Finally, Tuna Flambe With Lemons. The slightly charred tuna is actually inside the lemons which were chilled and are now resting neatly upon inverted tuna cans, in what might become a new classic in Jovian cuisine." Tasting. Endymion: "And now the moment of truth, tasting and judgement. On the panel today are Mauian Advisor Artemis, Senshi of Time Meiou Setsuna, Kunzite the Prince of Kairyuu, and Tetis, personal friend of Beryl. First, the dishes of challenger Nephrite." Nephrite: "I've never worked with canned seafood before but think you'll enjoy what I came up with. You might notice the tangy zip of Miracle Whip in my tuna salad here." Selenity: No product placements on my show, please. Tetis: "He's right though, I can taste the mayonnaise and it's really quite a lovely addition." Artemis: "I'm not sure I like it. Tuna tastes better straight." Setsuna: "The harmony between the tuna and the other ingredients is certainly impressive though, the spices having been added in just the right amount. I thought they would have been too overpowering but interestingly they aren't going to be." Endymion: "The challenger now serves out portions of his highly anticipated Tuna Stroganoff." Kunzite: "I will give Nephrite some credit, I think this dish works better over rice than it would have over pasta." Selenity: Then it truly could become a famous dish for him? Kunzite: "Let's not go overboard now." Tetis: "The stroganoff is nice, but I can't taste the tuna." Nephrite: "Really??" Artemis: "It's there, I can taste it. I could see this dish being improved by removing the mushrooms though." Setsuna: "Oh, but I think you lose the mushrooms then you'll have also lost some of the subtle flavours and textures. In my opinion this offering was a good compliment to the next dish, and it has had more great spicing." Nephrite: "Thank you." Endymion: "Finally the challenger's tuna dessert." Artemis: "Well, this is bizarre." Tetis: "Words fail me." Kunzite: "It does taste better than it sounds though." Setsuna: "Were there to be some strawberries that got added to the ice cream too?" Nephrite: "There's strawberry flavouring in there, yes. I was wondering if anyone would notice." Artemis: "It's still bizarre." Tetis: "Hnuh." Kunzite: "Well, despite being an idiot as well as managing to sabotage his own efforts, Nephrite has demonstrated that he can work well with tuna from a can. He provided a decent meal while, I believe, opening our eyes to new, original methods of tuna preparation." Endymion: "Now, the dishes of Iron Chef Jupiter, Kino Makoto." Jupiter: "I wanted to start with just straight tuna and a few peppercorns. To exemplify just how different this tuna is from the actual live fish." Artemis: "Now here's what I'm talking about! Simple tuna, great little appetizer." Kunzite: "I don't know, it strikes me as being a bit bland." Tetis: "I honestly don't see the point." Endymion: "The Iron Chef prepares to serve out portions of her Tuna Casserole. How will the panel react?" Kunzite: "There's a lot of stuff in here, but you can tell that the tuna is the main ingredient." Setsuna: "The tuna presence here was almost going to be too much for me, however." Artemis: "There's mushrooms in this too. Selenity, did someone send in an extra shipment of mushrooms that you had to dispense with or something?" Selenity: As you know, the chefs are hardly obligated to use all the items available in the kitchen. Tetis: "Though I think the mushrooms work better here than they did in the challenger's dish. Iron Chef, this is really quite excellent." Jupiter: "Thank you, I am glad you like it." Endymion: "Finally, the Tuna Flambe With Lemons." Selenity: This tuna was burnt on purpose? Jupiter: "Well, it can work either way, I just adapted what I was doing to incorporate the burnt bits." Kunzite: "It's sour yet somehow bitter. I suppose I can see this being an acquired taste." Tetis: "It reminds me of my mother's cooking." Setsuna: "This is at least an interesting way to have been closing off the meal. The Iron Chef did display originality, and I will have been impressed by her presentation too. My only suggestion might have been for her to be incorporating the tuna a bit better." Artemis: "After the lemons I can't get my lips to unpucker." Endymion: "So, is this another win for the Iron Chef or is it the challenger who will come out on top? Tuna ina for the answera, just below!" Judgement. Selenity: We have had a fierce battle today, with a dinner for Earth's royal family on the line. Both chefs worked hard, using all their skills to the utmost degree, at times going above and beyond the call of duty. As a result, the panel is split 2-2. We will decide by total points. Now, the verdict. Endymion: "A very tense situation we have here. Each competitor has brought their own unique skills to the table, working as best as possible in using what could be considered a truly unusual theme ingredient. Of course, in the end there can be only one winner. The vote is tied, it's coming down to points, so who takes it? Who's cuisine reigns supreme??" Selenity: Iron Chef Kino Makoto-hime! Endymion: "It's the Iron Chef! The Iron Chef ekes out a victory today against some very tough competition! Both competitors now bowing respectfully, Nephrite also glancing over his shoulder in a nervous acknowledgement towards Beryl. Let us then have a look at the scores, it was Artemis 18-16 the Iron Chef, Setsuna 19-18 for the challenger, Kunzite 18-16 also for the challenger and Tetis 17-15 the Iron Chef. Total 69-68, the Iron Chef takes it, narrowly pulling out the win! A hard fought contest, but you have to believe Jupiter's pleased with that result." Tetis: "Yeah, I went for the Iron Chef because overall her dishes just tasted better. Though I was still impressed by Nephrite and hope he doesn't get stuck in a crystal for a week like what happened to Jadeite." Kunzite: "This was a close battle, so perhaps next time the Iron Chefs and the Moon Kingdom will not be so lucky. Mark my words when I say you have not heard the last of us. Oh, and I still think Nephrite's an idiot." PLANNING Greg Taylor SCRIPT Greg Taylor STILL PHOTOGRAPHER n/a FOOD COORDINATOR Various cookbooks WITH THANKS TO International "Iron Chef" from FujiTV (as seen on the Canadian Food Network) "Sailor Moon" by Takeuchi Naoko Kingdom names from Neo-Silver Moon MUX [please recognize this is all in fun] Coming up next on the Foo Network: We kick it up a notch with "Esmeraude Live!"