Whilst i was still attending school, i have an older
brother and we were and still are pretty close.
He had a HUGE interest in playing music, this was
during the late 1970's/ early 1980's. He had a room in
my granddad's house. He built himself enormous
speakers with which he used to blast out Pink Floyd
and other artists. I used to go in there occasionally
and do "pretend" dj's. it was great fun, but something
started to happen to my brother when he was 18..became
more and more isolated and shut off from society..he
hardly used to come over to our house..the music
playing in that room of his started to become an
obsession. As later revealed..he turned the music up
louder and louder gradually because he was trying to
"drown" out the sounds of the traffic outside of his
window. [Sensitive emotional experiences omitted]

A suicide attempt followed..later there was a second
suicide note left..i remember spending a few days on
the coast yelling his name with the family as we
searched for him, he told us where he went..One of my
reletives did find him, but he ran off again..Few days
later he snuck back into the house and was in bed the
next morning..He spent some time at a mental clinic
about 40 miles away from home..offically diagnosed
sz..used to visit often..he put on a lot of weight
(one of the side effects of the medication) and has
been on fortnightly depot injections ever since, he's
now 38. He now lives nearby in his own place and is
doing much better, whenever i see him, he's bubbly,
smiling, cracking jokes. The medication has worked
well for him.

I was still young at the time, didn't really
understand what was happening..during second half of
my school years, i noticed a difference between myself
and the other kids, i was shy, very quiet, didn't feel
comfortable to talk very much at all, unless i really
needed to. My symptoms didn't suddenly start at any
point, as i think back..it all gradually faded in over
a period of years, it's hard to pin-point a starting
date.

>>From early days long since before i knew i had sz..i
have ALWAYS been into the study of dreams, astral
projection (during one such attempt once, i made
"contact" with the most pure loving warmth i ever
felt, i didn't see a being behind my eyes, it was
moving shapes of light, emitting this incredible
feeling of love)
Officially diagnosed sz in 1991..i didn't get my first
PC until 1997..then i got onto the net and started to
read up on sz. I started to hear of some of the
experiences of people with sz, and i immediataly made
the connection to my own astral/spiritual experiences
that i've been having all my life. I've been tried out
on various meds..been finding the side effects to be
too hard to manage..the latest meds has been
risperdal.nasty side effects for me again, but i've
been trying to stick it out..i have forced myself to
come off them a couple times though. Generally
speaking when taking the drugs..the mind goes very
quiet, but i find ALL of my emotions being switched
off..makes me feel kinda like a non-person..there is
just darkness and no feelings.

Can you imagine having your left foot on the floor in
your house and your right foot on the soil somewhere
on the planet Mars? My own personal thought with my
sz, is that i'm trying to live in more than one place
at the same time. I have to exist in a physical world
where people have rules to follow, have to live in a
society where not only do we have to live with sz, but
also have to deal with a large amount of stigma that
is attached to us from the rest of the population..yet
also i feel pulled into and out of other
dimensions..god's home..there are many ways to
describe it..An incredible detached feeling..it's like
rising up into orbit around the planet and becoming an
observer..watching as everyone lives their lives.
Everyone wrapped up in their own personal lives, not
seeing the wood through the trees.
Sometimes i feel very powerful..larger than life kinda
feeling. Wanting to do things to change the world,
replace evil with love.

Having sz is unpleasant..there is isolation (no-one
understands any of this) visions, hallucinations,
voices. Even when going through a "good" stage of
feeling spiritual thoughts and feelings.. it's not
possible to share any of it..other people just give
you that funny look, think you're a religious nut, or
tell you to increase the dosages of medication. "Just
try and eat some soup" you'll feel better then.
*smile*

I live in a quiet part of the uk, i like to take
nature walks and spend time at the coast, but i have
to be careful..if i'm going through mania at the time,
the experience really does overpower me.
Perhaps sz is the next natural step in the evolution
of the human mind..maybe just maybe it is an
experience that should be allowed to take it's natural
course. Who knows? because we're all drugged out.
When normal people hear the word "schizophrenics" they
seem to hit the panic buttons. We are no more
dangerous than anyone else in society, and if we do
become dangerous then it's the fault of the people
that discriminate against us and pin labels on us that
we don't deserve to have.
People obviously associate too much with tv movies and
what they read in the newspapers.

We could do with having the support of the rest of
society and governments..to recognise that the whole
experience of sz is a very real and painful one..each
and every one of us our individuals in our own way..i
fail to see what "normal" really could be. Instead
they try to brush us under the carpet, cut disability
benefits, threaten to lock us up for life before we've
even commited any crime, in other words try to wipe us
out, perhaps they are secretly hoping that we'll all
commit mass suicide so we're no longer a problem for
them..kicking us whilst we are weak and already down.
Bye for now.

Regards, Wibbly Wobby Teapot