A story submitted by 'the Duck'....

There is so much talk these days about schizophrenics, care in the community, turning violent, but does anyone really understand schizophrenia or what it is actually like to BE a schizophrenic. Believe me, I talk from experience, I have had schizophrenia since I took LSD in 1977 and have been in and out of reality and other dimensions ever since.

When I was first diagnosed as being schizophrenic, I was given drugs to take in the form of injections. After the first injection I felt my world, my then reality, draining out of my mind, I nearly passed out and I fell down to the floor. The drug then caused the most severe muscular contractions and I went into spasms and had to be given another injection to try and counteract some of the side effects.

I was on these injections for several years, every two weeks to the doctor, but eventually I had enough sanity and sense to take pills.

After my first injection, I went from being Johnny, the spirit of music, playing my guitar, communicating with Jupiter through my VDU screen, my car a spaceship where I had to hold the steering wheel carefully to keep it on the road and not take off into the air. Communicating with God, beings in the Cosmos, thunder in the skies that I seemed to understand. I went from that to almost nothing, no thoughts, just emptiness and constantly so very tired.

It is only after all these years, as I have gradually reduced my dosage that I have managed to get some of that world back in my mind and still maintain touch with reality (I am an accountant). Every so often, be it a holiday, or as when I was told to give up the drugs, I have a complete and utter breakdown where I don't eat and lose touch with reality on this planet.

It is no fun being a schizophrenic. Not only do we have reality to cope with as everyone else does, but we hear voices, we see pictures, we have terribly strong feelings about things and if our judgement is not intact, this is what causes the danger. I was once having a drink with a guy from work and I asked him
"Do you ever feel that something you do could effect the entire Universe?" for that is what it sometimes feels like, he said no, and gave me a funny look as so many people used to do.

Normal people just don't understand, have you ever felt larger than life? Have you ever talked to God? Have you ever met Father Christmas? It is all so real, and it is not just the voices and the hallucinations, it is the feelings, they are so strong. Imagine having all this to cope with along with the job, the mortgage, the money, the family, friends, relationships and all the other things normal people have. Schizophrenics don't just live life to the full, they have a whole other dimension of existence. Maybe schizophrenics are the next logical development in mankind, using more of their mind, and being more in touch with, in my opinion, what really matters. For it is not money and mortgage and job that really matter, surely it is the spirit, the salvation of the soul, our eternal pathway, surely that is what it is all about and if we can in some way talk to God, or angels, maybe only as an interpretation, then surely we are closer to the true pathway than ordinary folk.

Those questions that haunt us all, who am I? Where am I going? What is it all about? I hardly think of anything else. I remember once, staring up at the lifeless grey sky and feeling so alone, so terribly, terribly alone and wondering if anything was real, and I even asked myself the question "Am I God?" Can you imagine having to go through things like this? Or the time when I felt so close to nature, and was full of such unbelievable emotion, and just when I finally broke down in tears, the skies opened and poured down an incredible hailstorm. Or the time when I had the most amazingly beautiful thought and suddenly the building was surrounded with crying seagulls. What normal person experiences things like this?

More credibility and research and care should be given to schizophrenics, we are not lacking, we are gaining, and providing we have judgement, who knows what could be discovered? I was told in no uncertain terms by the Cosmos that the big bang was caused by emotion. I wonder if anyone else ever even thought this? And I was told that there is something that travels faster than light - it is thought. These are rational, interesting, reasonable thoughts. Just because they may defy science is not the question here for science is not going anywhere, telepathy, intuition, love, emotion, faith, that is where our direction should lie, and I believe that schizophrenics are much closer to this pathway than normal mankind.
 
 

Written by 'The Duck'.Copyright 1998
 

The duck's e mail <quack.quack@virgin.net>
 
 
 
 

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