The Seasons of Discipline

I read somewhere the poetic idea of thinking of the
different phases of discipline as matching the seasons
of the year.  I like the idea though I forget who wrote
it first.  It doesn't mean you only do those things
at certain times of year.  It's just a poetic way of 
naming the phases of discipline.

If you're having discipline problems with a child,
here's a suggestion:  look at the various "seasons"
of discipline and see whether there's a balance.
Maybe there's one season that you're putting a lot
of time, energy, thought and effort into, or that
you're expecting should be sufficient all by itself.
Maybe there's one you're mostly ignoring.  

If so, I suggest thinking more about the one you've been 
ignoring.  Maybe you don't think it's important.  But, 
other people believe it's important, and you're having
discipline problems.  Maybe those other people are
right and it really would help.  Maybe you don't like
what you've heard about that season, but if you learn 
more about it you'll find a way of doing it that fits 
in with your own style.

It's fine to spend lots of time and energy in
the "summer" season, if things really are going well.
But if there are discipline problems, relying on
any one, or just two or three, of the "seasons"
to fix it may not work well.  Putting some effort
into all four may be needed.

Winter
______

The Winter season is about anger, punishment, correction 
and consequences.  Think of harsh winter storms.

Sometimes just letting a child know that what they
did was wrong or that we are displeased is Winter
enough.  Other times a more tangible consequence
may be required or may even be better than bringing
emotions into the picture.

Consequences are most effective when they're
perceived by the child as more of a direct result
of what the child did, and less of a personal revenge
being done to them by a particular individual.
In order to achieve this feel, it's helpful to
include as many as possible of the following qualities
when choosing consequences:

-- The child knows the consequence beforehand.

-- The same consequence happens to others who do
the same thing (especially siblings).

-- The same consequence happens regardless of which
parent is home.

-- The consequence is mild.  Often mild consequences
are more effective in influencing behaviour than
more severe ones.

-- The consequence happens automatically, without
anyone else having to do anything.

-- The consequence is something the child does, such
as fixing a thing the child broke, rather than something
someone does to the child.  (Another type of consequence
can be used to "back up" this consequence to influence
the child to actually do it.)

-- The parent is not angry and does not take pleasure
in handing out the consequence but either doesn't care
one way or the other, or is sympathetic.

-- The consequence is logically connected to the
broken rule in some way other than (or in addition to)
the logic of "this is to teach you not to do that".
For example:  if something is broken, it needs to
be fixed -- regardless of who broke it or how it
broke.  So, having to fix something is a logical
consequence.  There are also logical consequences
for actions which are not wrong.  For example, the
logical consequence of walking out of a room is that
you have to turn off the light.  A consequence for
misbehaviour that has a similar feel is ideal IMO.

-- the consequence happens during or immediately 
after the misbehaviour.

Note that a number of these qualities are things that
spanking can't possibly satisfy.  That's one of the
reasons that spanking is not a good idea.

It's often fine to correct a child without any punishment.
You say something, the child immediately corrects his/her
behaviour, and then you praise the child for the correct
behaviour.  This avoids the escalation of anger involved
in punishment.  Sometimes it's effective in the long
term;  sometimes it isn't enough.


Spring
______

The Spring season is about apology, atonement and
forgiveness -- especially forgiveness.

Just as here in Ottawa it sometimes snows in April,
the Spring season of discipline may sometimes have
some of the feel of Winter.  It can involve things
like having a child fix something they broke, or
apologize for what they did.

But in the context of the Spring season, the main 
point of these activities is not to punish the child
to teach him/her not to do it again.  No, the point is
to give the child an opportunity to repair relationships,
to come out of a state of disgrace, and
to win back his/her place as a fully accepted member
of the family and of society.   Symbolically, to
grow flowers and move into Summer.

Repairing something that one has broken may feel at
first like a punishment, but as the repair progresses
it becomes an opportunity to feel pride in one's
accomplishment.  It raises self-esteem and gives one
the feeling that one has earned forgiveness.

Spring activities can include encouraging a child
to apologize;  telling a child that he/she is
forgiven;  encouraging a child to think of ways
to repair relationships, such as handing a toy
to a child who had been wronged, smiling, shaking
hands etc.

A child who is in disgrace may feel grumpy and
misbehave again.  One who has that warm feeling of
being accepted and loved again may be more likely
to continue on a good path, thinking of others'
feelings rather than just brooding on his/her own.


Summer
______

The Summer part of discipline is the nicest part.
It's the part where you just spend time together
with everything going well.  Maybe you're just
playing a game together, reading a story, doing
housework together, or having a conversation.

Summer activities are essential to a good parent/child
relationship.  If you're short of time, surely
you can at least find time to smile at the child
or hug him or her.  Actual periods of time spending
focused attention on the child are irreplaceable, though.

Actions speak louder than words.  Spending time
together with your attention focused on the child
gives the child these messages:

-- I enjoy spending time with you.
-- I love you.
-- I'm not angry at you.
-- You're important to me.

Telling the child you're too busy to spend time
together gives the opposite message, and no words
can fully erase it.

I read somewhere that if you have 3 children and you
have an hour-and-a-half available, that it's often better
to spend half an hour focusing on each child one at
a time than to spend the whole hour-and-a-half with
all three children. 

The Summer season can included praising the child
for good behaviour.  It's good to use words for
the qualities the child shows:  "You showed generosity."
(or honesty, hospitality, reliability etc.) rather than
just "you were good".  Using these words helps encourage
the child to recognize and develop these qualities, and 
helps signal to the child that these are qualities that 
generalize and that are appreciated in our society, rather 
than just actions that the parent happens to want at the 
moment.

The Summer season can also include modeling good
behaviour -- acting with honesty, courtesy, respect,
consideration etc. towards others and towards our
children, in ways that the children can see and
appreciate.  This is an important aspect of discipline.


Autumn
______

The Autumn season is preparation for Winter.
Actually, it's mostly preparation to prevent
Winter from happening at all!

Rather than just always reacting to what happens,
it's good to take time to think ahead and prevent
problems before they occur.

The Autumn season can include activities like:

-- family meetings where rules are discussed.
It's good to let children have input into the rules;
then they're more likely to feel happy about following
them;  though the parents need to have the final say
(or you'd have things like three children voting
that nobody has to brush their teeth, etc.)
The consequences for breaking rules can also be
set at these meetings.

-- preparing children for situations.  This can be
as simple as a warning that "we'll be leaving for
home in 10 minutes", or as complex as having the
child practice ahead of time, in a make-believe 
setting or a real but less demanding situation, 
the behaviour that will be required in a
particularly challenging situation.

-- preventing situations from coming up.  If you think
a child will probably handle a situation correctly,
you can just sit back and let it happen, and then
praise them for their honesty, gentleness or whatever.
But if you think your child is at a stage of development
of the required virtue such that there's a good
chance he or she will make the wrong choice, you
can prevent the situation from happening before the
child is faced with that choice.  (You can also take
into account how tired, angry, hungry etc. your child
is at the time.)  You can use techniques such as
putting objects out of reach, distractions, avoiding
certain people, bringing the child into a different 
room, going home, clever ploys, humour etc. to prevent
your child from being faced with the situation.
Later, when your child has had more success in easier
situations requiring the same virtue, you may decide
your child is ready and sit back and let a similar
situation happen.

-- making sure the child knows what is expected.

-- avoiding letting the child get too hungry, thirsty,
hot, tired, overexcited etc.  For example, suppose a child
has a pattern of getting overexcited and hitting another
child after playing together for about half an hour.
Then you can arrange for playdates that only last
20 minutes, and say "it's time to go home."  (If this
works, you can also praise the child for playing nicely.)


Conclusion
__________

Teaching a child self-discipline is a complex process
that requires thought and action in several different
spheres in order to nurture the child's innate virtues
and help them develop.