How to Not Yell At Your Child


Ways to stop yelling at your child:


-- Just stop.  You are in control of your actions.

-- Tell yourself:  "If I can't control myself, how
do I expect my child to learn to control his/herself?"

-- Use techniques from the book "Setting Limits" by
R. Mackenzie.  Feeling in control of a situation reduces
the chance you'll feel an urge to yell.

-- Calm your emotions by using "Mood Log" exercises frmo
the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David
Burns.

-- Anticipate misbehaviour ahead of time.  Take action
to prevent it by changing the situation, but also make
Plans for what you will do when the child misbehaves.
Have some general Plans for situations like "If my
child ever does something really seriously
wrong I will ..."  With a few general Plans like this you can
cover all possible situations.  Also have more specific
Plans for things that are likely to come up:  types
of misbehaviour that have been repeated before, things
lots of other kids do, things that a kid might do in the
place you're just entering, etc.  You can discuss your
Plans with others, too, to get ideas to improve them.
Then when the child misbehaves, instead of 
feeling an urge to yell, you can
just calmly carry out your Plan, and feel in control because
you're prepared.  (If you can't think of a good Plan
for misbehaviour that might happen in a certain place,
you can leave that place before anything happens.)
Your Plans can always end with something you do.  That
way you are always in control.  Example:  if a child
spills something, your Plan might say that you ask
them to wipe it up;  then if they refuse you ask them
to go to their room;  then if they don't, you say "you can
go to your room yourself for one minute, or I can carry
you there for two minutes."

-- Before you ask your child to do something, get it
very clear in your mind whether it's a choice for the
child, or whether it's non-optional (a rule).  Use distinctive
words so the child can tell from your very first word
which type it is.  If it's a choice, then present any
advice or persuasion before you give the child a chance
to answer.  Once you hear your child's answer, just accept
it with no argument.  
    If it's non-optional, then before
you say anything, have in your mind a Plan for how you're
going to respond.  Your Plan should cover all possible
ways your child might react.  If you can't think of a 
good Plan that will enforce your rule, then either make
it a choice instead, or just don't ask the child to do
the thing this time (if possible).  Then carry out your
Plan without anger, accepting that your child's behaviour
is part of the normal range of behaviour for your child
that you anticipated might happen.

-- Try to get enough sleep.  (According to the book "Sleep
Thieves", most people aren't getting enough sleep and would
function better if they got an hour or two more sleep.)

-- Have some time alone, and some time with other adults,
to give yourself a break.

-- Take plenty of vitamin C.  Eat healthy foods. Providing
your brain with the nutrients to function well will help
give you the resources to get through difficult situations.
Avoid a diet that makes your blood sugar go up and down:
avoid refined sugar.  Note that conflicts often flare
up just before dinner:  have dinner earlier, have a snack
before dinner, or try to avoid any discussions or conflicts 
until after dinner.

-- Be aware of your child's level of resources at any given
time:  children tend to get crankier as nap-time approaches;
when hungry, thirsty or too hot;  when low on vitamin C;
when they've experienced a few frustrations or disappointments
in the last few hours;  when they haven't had much all-out
physical exercise in the last few hours;  when they haven't
had much positive interaction with their parent in the last
few hours.  Try to avoid having several of these conditions
happen at once, and if they do, consider avoiding asking
your child to do things at that time that the child might
refuse to do.

-- Use discipline techniques from my article "Seasons of
Discipline" soon to appear on my parenting site
http://www.ncf.ca/~an588/par_home.html

-- Say to yourself, "I control my own behaviour.  I accept
that I do not control my child's behaviour.
I'm confident that my actions will eventually influence
my child to learn better behaviour."

-- Take an Anger Management course.

-- hire Warwick Dyer, the child discipline expert, to work
with your family, and follow his advice.

-- When you feel the urge to yell, just walk out of the
room.  (Or do 100 jumping jacks, or write down your thoughts,
or phone somebody, etc.)  Or calmly and gently take your
child's hands and guide them away from a dangerous
activity.

-- When you feel the urge to yell, say to yourself, "I'm feeling
an urge to yell.  This is an urge.  I can control it."

-- Keep a written record of the times you felt an urge to
yell.  Mark down for each one whether you're glad a couple of
days later that you didn't yell, or whether you wished you'd yelled.
Figure out the percentage.  Then remember this percentage
next time you feel an urge to yell.

-- When you feel the urge to yell, remember that some teachers
find that when they talk more quietly, their class quiets
down and listens to them.  Say what you want to say in a
quieter than normal voice.

-- Go down to your child's level and try to get eye contact.
Then say quietly but firmly, "I'm angry about what you just did."
This can have more of an impact than yelling.

-- When you feel the urge to yell, ask yourself, "What 
if today turns out to be the last day of my child's life?"

-- Make a decision never again to yell at your child.  Then
make a commitment to yourself to carry out this decision.
Then use your willpower to follow through.


http://www.ncf.ca/~an588/par_home.html