The Ottawa Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Ottawa. For the first offence, they give you two Ottawa Senators
tickets. If you are stopped a second time, they make you use them.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs?
The Montreal Canadiens
Montreal Canadiens Joke
In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a
The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No he beats me too."
Finally the judge asked, "where do you want to live"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Montreal Canadiens!".
The judge asked, "Why do you want to live with the Montreal Canadiens?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Montreal Canadiens don't beat anybody!"
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine?
A: The vending machine has Players!
A Canadian hockey player was in Europe. Down on his luck, he robbed a bank. When the police arrived, they chased after him. He ran into a corner and the police were unable to catch him ..... because Europeans don't go into corners.
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes
walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center
of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice
comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once
more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He
picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have
warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he
asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
Vancouver Canucks Joke
Q. How do you keep the Vancouver Canucks out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.
Q. What do you call a Vancouver Canuck with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief.
Q. How many Vancouver Canucks does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.
Q. What do the Vancouver Canucks and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and are killed on the road.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from
the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope,
that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got
all the referees."
Three Maple Leafs fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and might miss the playoffs.
"I blame the manager" said the first, "if he would sign new players then we could have a great team".
"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals".
"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in another city I'd be supporting a decent team!"
Teemu Selanne and Chris Pronger accidentally walked into a gay bar. They had just sat when a man walked up to Teemu
and asked him to dance.
Horrified, he turned to Pronger and whispered, "Help me out of this!" So Pronger grabs the guy, slams him up against
the wall and mumbles something menacingly into his face. Once let out of his clutches, the guy apologized and hurried away.
Wow, Teemu says, "Thanks, what did you say to him?" Prongs shrugged and replied, "Told him we're on our honeymoon."
Best hockey team in the country
" We've got the best hockey team in the country unbeaten and no goals scored against us!"
" How many games have you played?"
" The first one's next Saturday."
Toronto Maple Leafs - Ottawa Senators Joke
Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a
different team, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of
their hockey team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of
them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as
they reached the top, the Canadiens fan hurled himself off the mountain,
shouting, "This is for the Great Montreal Canadiens!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting
to be out done, the Edmonton Oilers fan threw himself off the mountain shouting "This is for the Oilers!"
Seeing this, the Ottawa Senators fan walked over and shouted, "This is for
everyone!" and pushed the Toronto Maple Leafs fan off the side of the mountain.
Ottawa Senators Joke
An Ottawa Senators hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by
a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly
and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.
On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the
road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs
jersey. Now the driver hated the Maple Leafs and suddenly felt an
uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on
the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan
jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was
sure he'd missed him.
The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Ottawa Senators fan pulled up
and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I
don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father?"
The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door."
Two boys were playing hockey at an outdoor arena when one is
attacked by a Pitbull. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips
a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar
and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was walking by
saw the incident, and rushed over to interview the boy!
"Calgary Flames fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts
writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Flames fan,"the boy replied.
"Edmonton Oilers fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the
reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Oilers fan either," the boy said.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Maple Leafs fan."
The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck idiot kills family pet."