4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory):
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics):
Why Yawning Is Contagious:
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic):
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics):
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

** HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics):
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion):
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,I said Shut Up! All of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
6. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
7. Meow occasionally.
8. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
9. Stare wide-eyed at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
10. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Say "Ding" at each floor.
13. Say, "I wonder what these do?" and push/pull all the red buttons &knobs.
14. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
15. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable hostbody."
16. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
17. Start panting heavily, close your eyes and begin chanting, "Enclosed spaces are fun. Enclosed spaces are fun..."
18. When no-one is looking, grab the elevator's hand rails and begin shaking the elevator from side to side and shout, "Oh my God!"
19. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
20. Grab the elevator phone and pretend you are talking to God.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

So, this is a call to arms; as the world is losing its technological edge we should not cower in our homes. Get back into the pubs! Quaff that pint!

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree celcius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gm) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

1. when you believe in Santa Claus,
2. when you don't believe in Santa Claus,
3. when you are Santa Claus,
4. when you look like Santa Claus. (age 51)

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus
• 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A Photographic memory but with the lens cap on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Has two brains; one is missing, and the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were anymore stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
• Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one, repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Please stay on the line, as we trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it dosn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

Thank-you.

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch," "sh," and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Some additions to anguished English from Israeli menus:
1) sechel [Hebrew/Yiddish for intelligence] - brains
2) fresh bread daily daily [apparently yom yom]
3) planted egg salad - eggplant salad

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel
ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered.  Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and help their dreams come true, than be selfish and
worry about my liver."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good
ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time when I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine al all, but a HUMAN
HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free
dummy.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon colour to a sort of flint grey, I
thought back to the salmon I cought that morning, and how grey he was, and
how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school,
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of
us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.



I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all
skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that
said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the
crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke
up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has
little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it
could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

*If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.
Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff
at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

*I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

*To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at
all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have
been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws,
can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks
his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.

*Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is
to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,
we build to that.

*If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have
to laugh, because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much
he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed
her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher
said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot
them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you
in heaven--with a gun."

*The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it
was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think
there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in
the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger,
older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I
think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

*If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a
shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating
everything they see.

*As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she
should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she
started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple
letter! And I thought I was lazy!

*One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an
old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it
was a pretty good joke.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd
be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

*Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like.

*We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But
we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some
whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came
to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

• Wimp Best videos from the Web. Suitable for all ages.
• Dr. Dave House of Fun
• boingboing A directory of wonderful things
• Darwin Awards Commemorating those who douse the gene pool with chlorine by finding innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves
• Halfbakery Some interesting inventions
• Comedy Central (www.ComedyCentral.com)
• The last page on the Internet!