Where are my Glasses?
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble... now what do I do? I signed up for five jumps a week."
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write things that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, writing that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
The Debt Owed
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope,’ replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it’s only £500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
Q: What do Attila the Hun and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay your kindness. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."
The GI Insurance Salesman
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Breaking Off The Engagement
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others."
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight’s damn near perfect."
Pulled over for speeding
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
A wife send her husband a text message on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".
Lost by Balloon
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
A Panda Walks Into a Bar
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Make a List!
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. "The food and service were great!" he said. His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?" "Gee, I don’t remember," he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?" “You mean a rose?" asked his friend. "That’s it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
(from Rob Erdos et al)
- I changed my iPod's name to Titanic and threw it into the pool. It's syncing now.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
- I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
- Velcro — what a rip off!
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
- Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
The ultimate ethnic joke
(from Louis Lemire)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans...
...walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
(from Robert Dunlop)
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
What My Mother Taught Me
(from Robert Dunlop)
- 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
- 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.'
- 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
- 'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
- 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
- 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
- 4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
- 'Because I said so, that's why.'
- 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
- 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
- 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
- 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
- 7. My mother taught me IRONY.
- 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
- 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
- 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
- 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
- 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
- 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
- 'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
- 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
- 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
- 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
- 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
- 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
- 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
- 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
- 'Stop acting like your father!'
- 15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
- 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
- 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
- 'Just wait until we get home.'
- 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
- 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
- 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
- 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
- 19. My mother taught me ESP.
- 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
- 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
- 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
- 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
- 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
- 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
- 'You're just like your father.'
- 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
- 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
- 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
- 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
- 25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
- 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
(from Michael Hickson)
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding.
Police officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am!
The Powers of the Police
(from Peter Beacham)
A police officer stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The police officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land...no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..."Your badge. Show him your fucking "badge"!
(from Peter Beacham)
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
(from Peter Beacham)
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
The Newfie Millionaire
(from Peter Beacham)
Jarge, from Newfoundland, appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million dollars you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
"Yes, Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?"
"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook."
Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Yes it is, Buy"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
The next night, Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Charlie ole cock? How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
(from Peter Beacham)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight", she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the bitches..."
An Old Asian Saying
(from Peter Beacham)
Confucius says: "A lion will not betray his wife. But a tiger wood."
Cold, Cold Winter
(from Reg Hubber)
It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?"the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
(from Simon Hunt)
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Thought for Today:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
(from Simon Hunt)
A blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship."
"I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The blonde nodded, after all what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and then they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii,and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "You're on the Nanaimo Ferry."
(from Simon Hunt)
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(from Simon Hunt)
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
A (small) bit of wisdom
(from Doug Wirsz)
There are two secrets to success:
- Don't tell everyone everything
(Seen on Wikipedia)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
THE NAIL & THE COW
(from Reg Hubber)
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. You'll know which cow it is as I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
(from Reg Hubber)
A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours,meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. In addition, you'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
(from Reg Hubber)
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the Streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work His family is Hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, Kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is Struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from The Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!
Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her To make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message..... As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling................
THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!
(from Reg Hubber)
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Birds & the Bees
(from Judy Bevin)
A father asked his 11 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really bonk each other, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
(From Judy Bevin)
- Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
- Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice . . . well, it really chilled the mood.
- It used to be only birth, death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
- A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
- Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
- As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Retirement in Alaska
(from Candy Taylor)
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska . as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from fourty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night ... thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you . be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. "By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Submitted by: Candy Taylor
There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rashers upon rashers of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy, nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter, "Dat's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, mon ami!" says Henri.
So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques.
"Jacques!! Jacques!! Quest-ce qui se passe?"
With his dying breath Jacques calls out...
"Ugh, run, mon ami, run!!
Dat's ... a... not ... a Bacon Tree!"
"Dat's......" "Dat's......" "Dat's......... a.... ............ Dats a ....... Ham bush ! ! !
(from Candy Taylor)
Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' " asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" Now what the hell would you say?
(from Judy Bevin)
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
Those poor souls from Vancouver...
(From Reg Hubber)
An observant woman died one day, and found herself waiting in the long line at the Pearly Gates for judgement. As she stood there, she noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul into a small pile off to one side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the woman's curiosity got the best of her. So she strolled over to find out what the devil he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," she said. "I'm waiting my turn for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Vancouver, they're too wet to burn!"
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
- Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's behind and think, "that ought to taste good."
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Paul & the Donkey!!
(From Reg Hubber)
A city boy, Paul, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey.
"The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Paul, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Paul, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Paul, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paul, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
NOTE: Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada.
Phrases for your "Out of the office" email reply...
(from Candy Taylor)
- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
- I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so I may be promoted to management.
- I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 952nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 29 weeks.
- Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
- I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
- Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
- Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
- I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
- I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
In A Bar One Night
(from Judy Bevin)
A Kiwi, an Aussie and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Stralia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Kiwi, cool as, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Aussie.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In New Zealand we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
At the Barber Shop
(from Judy Bevin)
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back the same day."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
(from Judy Bevin)
George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Political Intelligence Test
(from Reg Hubber)
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
(from Judy Bevin)
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says,"Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."
Washington Post's Style Invitational
(from Jane McKerroll)
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers each year to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are last year's winners:
- Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm (N): The gulf between author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon (N.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
- Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (N.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Marriage in Heaven?
(from Judy Bevin)
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer.
Two months pass and the couple are still waiting.
So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
(from Judy Bevin)
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service": "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
- Internal Revenue Service
- Postal Service
- Telephone Service
- Civil Service
- City/County Public Service
- Customer Service
- Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking,and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
(from Joe Fisher)
Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Kathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Conner, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
On A Plane
(from Judy Bevin)
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and shortly thereafter realizes that the woman sitting next to him is a real hottie. "Business trip or vacation?" he asks. "Business," she replies, "The annual Sex Convention."
"What are you doing there?" he asks. "Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she replies. "Like what?" asks the guy.
"People think that African men are the most well-endowed, but it's actually Native American men," she says. "And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all this to a stranger; I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux."
(from Judy Bevin)
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He continued, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Newfoundlanders....got to love them
(from Candy Taylor)
Elmer and Huey from Newfoundland were visiting a relative in Kingston prison. Walking along Main Street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2. 00 each, trousers $2. 50 per pair.'
Elmer says to his pal, "Huey "LOOK! Lord tunderin Jaysus . . . we could buy a whole lot ofdoze, and when we get back to da rock , we could make us a fortune. Now listen up der. When we goes into da shop, you keep yer yapper shut, eh! Just let me do all da talkin and fang danglin, 'cause ifday ear our accent, day might not serve us. Eyes be given dem me best Ontario drawl.
"They go in and Elmer says, "Excuse me sir, but I'll take 50 suits at $5. 00 each, 100 shirts at $2. 00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2. 50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You byes are from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Yah," says a surprised Elmer "How come you know?".
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners".
True Female Joke.....
(from Judy Bevin)
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her Girl friends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00. On one condition." (There are always conditions.)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
Wife Surprises Downsized Husband
from Judy Bevin
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....
An Australian Love Poem (Written by a male - of course!)
from Judy Bevin
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!!
from Judy Bevin
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't giveyou cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
from Judy Bevin
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
(From Candy Taylor, who isn't blonde)
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage,and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".
The Duck Story
(From Joe Fisher)
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart.
"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but...
what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.
Why Its great to be a man (..with apologies from me!)
(From Cheryl Marek)
Why It's Great To Be A Man
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if no one notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to go to another gas station because this one is too yicky!"
- Same work...more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
- People never stare at your chest when they are talking to you.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- ONE mood, ALL the damn time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a 3-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
- You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking; "he must be mad at me".
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colours.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see the wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyles last for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
- You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
DAMN, it's great to be a man !!!
(From Joe Fisher)
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
More Dead Cat Jokes
(submitted by Candy Taylor)
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again.
God answered, "It is done."
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Some good advice
(From Cheryl Marek)
I think this is good advice. So, I'm passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So... I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of "inner peace".
The Tiny Pianist
(from Judy Bevin)
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
These are pretty funny
(from Jane McKerroll)
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No one is listening until you fart.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
(from Jane McKerroll)
In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a disconnect between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for influenza vaccine despite the fact that the U.S. wants to discourage Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies.
Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued to press for the vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free."
The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for it."
"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?"
The Canadian replied, "Well, we don't know...we'll let you know."
In frustration, the American replied, "Well, it's urgent, so just send an invoice with the shipment. By the way...how will the vaccine be delivered?"
After careful consideration, the Canadian official replied, "By cow. Twenty vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over the border.
Now... if you want faster delivery, there are some softwood lumber trucks available..."
(from Jane McKerroll)
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A guy went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but couldn’t find any.
Mistakes People Make
(from Judy Bevin)
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Just another one of those mistakes men make....
(From Reg Hubber)
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
An annoying Patient
(from Judy Bevin)
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
(from Candy Taylor)
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pig. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't really give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Something for almost everybody!
(from Mike Misiaszek)
Last month, the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
- In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
- In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
- In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
- In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
- In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
- In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
- And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A Very Bad Joke
(from Judy Bevin of course)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(it's a real treat)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
(From Mabel Norman)
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer the Last Rites, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? I thought ye said PROTESTANT!"
(from Judy Bevin)
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... you damn mosquito!
A Banking Joke
(from Helen Stewart)
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She said wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said," Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course, you should be 100% sure." The woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands."
News From The Split Rock Lighthouse
President George Bush was in theOval Office, wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
"President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat, "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
(from Candy Taylor)
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close.
That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard..
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says....
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT
Can Cold Water Clean?
(from Judy Bevin)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in Kentucky.
In the morning his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon while eating the hamburgers his grandfather had made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about them any more."
Later that afternoon as he was going out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game his grandfather was watching he shouted.......
Irish Jokes (in honour of St Patrick’s Day)
From Judy Bevin
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is... he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father".
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"She says, "He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles: "Ain't no use knockin. There's no paper on this side either".
The Pope in Florida
(from Candy Taylor)
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man,wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, as a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ottawa Senator jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Leaf fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Sens fans but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know much about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up ?"
This year’s best actual headlines…
(from Magdalena Gelbert)
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Eight Words with two Meanings
(from Magdalena Gelbert)
- THINGY (thing-ee) n.
- Female......Any part under a car's hood.
- Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
- VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
- Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
- Male.........Playing football without a cup.
- COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
- Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
- Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
- COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
- Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
- Male..........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
- ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
- Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
- Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
- FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
- Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
- Male..........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
- MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
- Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
- Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.
- REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
- Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
- Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 2 minutes.
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTRE FOR ADULTS
(from Magdalena Gelbert)
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JAN 5. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PMfor 3 weeks.
Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.
Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PMfor 2 hours.
Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full LobotomiesOffered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PMfor 2 hours.
Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
Man of the house
(from Magdalena Gelbert)
The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the house". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, "the funeral director?".
How to Shower Like a Woman
(from Jane McKerroll)
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
- Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
- Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
- If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower.
- Wash your face
- Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse off.
- Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
- Shampoo your hair.
- Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.
Mothers Day Quiz
(from Barbara Merkis)
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
- She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
- Mostly to clean the house.
- To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
- They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
- We're related.
- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
- They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
- His last name.
- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
- She got too old to do anything else with him.
- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
- Mothers don't do spare time.
- To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Two Priests are on Vacation…
(from Magdalena Gelbert)
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
Letter to a Detergent company…
(from Judy Bevin)
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
A relieved menopausal wife
Airline Pilot’s Wisdom
(from Bob Kooyman)
After 30+ years of flying, I have decided that:
- An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.
- Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
- The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
- Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.
- A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your own sister.
- Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.
- Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets all the blame.
- A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
- Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every day ...and recite from memory those needed once every five years.
- A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in.
- An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do everything.
- In the old days flying was dangerous and sex was safe. Now it's the other way around.
WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE
(from Candy Taylor)
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
(from Judy Bevin)
Four youths from Canberra pulled off a trick of bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area.
Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate.
After bidding the van operator good-bye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself.
(from Barbara Merkis)
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off.
Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be.
The man eventually catches his breath, and says, "Make 'em all ugly again."
6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.
As I mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned ! that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe Something good will happen.
If not...tough shit.
Ordering Pizza in the year
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a conviction for cussing out a cop."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
You might need to read the last line of the Edison joke slow to get the punch line.
Not many people know that Thomas Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
THE CLASS OF
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
- The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.
- They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
- They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
- There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
- They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
- They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.
- Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
- Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
- Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
- The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
- They have never owned a record player.
- They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
- They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
- They have always had an answering machine.
- Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
- They have always had cable.
- There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
- They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
- They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
- Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
- Michael Jackson has always been white.
- Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
- They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
- Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
- They have never seen Larry Bird play.
- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
- The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
- They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
- They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The Correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
- They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
- They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
- Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
- There has always been MTV.
- They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this..........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
The Golfer & The Leprechaun
(from Judy Bevin)
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
(from Judy Bevin)
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gonebust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and still has no luck.
Once again, she Prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Lady, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
The organization explained
by Bob Berthelet
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".
Administratium has 1 neutron, 2 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.
(from Judy Bevin)
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
A Large Collection of Jokes
(from Judy Bevin)
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
- If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.
The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City."
The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city!"
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.
Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs...
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God! Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house. They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute. "Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"
At The Hotel
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
25 facts of life
- The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
- People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
- The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- A penny saved is worthless.
- They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
- Nobody is normal.
- At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
A minister dies
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
How many Microsoft employees...
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
- 1 to release a beta version
- 1 to complete the documentation
- 1 to test for hardware compatibility
- 1 to deny tech support
- 1 to configure the TCP/IP
- 1 to check for y2k compliance
- 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software
- 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder
- 1 to change the bulb.
- (That's nine because there's always one more thing you need.)
Take a Bath
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
Christmas Newfie Joke
(from Helen Stewart)
A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS
(from Candy Taylor)
RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS.
- My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
- Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, have plenty of money.
- Hi. Now you say something.
- Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
- Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
- Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another damn credit card, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
- Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
- If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
- Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.