An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans...
...walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding.
Police officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am!
A police officer stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The police officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land...no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..."Your badge. Show him your fucking "badge"!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
Jarge, from Newfoundland, appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million dollars you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
"Yes, Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?"
"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook."
Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Yes it is, Buy"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
The next night, Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Charlie ole cock? How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight", she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the bitches..."
Confucius says: "A lion will not betray his wife. But a tiger wood."
It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?"the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
A blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship."
"I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The blonde nodded, after all what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and then they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii,and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "You're on the Nanaimo Ferry."
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
There are two secrets to success:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. You'll know which cow it is as I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours,meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. In addition, you'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the Streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work His family is Hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, Kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is Struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from The Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!
Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her To make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message..... As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling................
THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
A father asked his 11 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really bonk each other, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska . as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from fourty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night ... thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you . be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. "By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rashers upon rashers of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy, nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter, "Dat's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, mon ami!" says Henri.
So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques.
"Jacques!! Jacques!! Quest-ce qui se passe?"
With his dying breath Jacques calls out...
"Ugh, run, mon ami, run!!
Dat's ... a... not ... a Bacon Tree!"
"Dat's......" "Dat's......" "Dat's......... a.... ............ Dats a ....... Ham bush ! ! !
Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' " asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" Now what the hell would you say?
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
An observant woman died one day, and found herself waiting in the long line at the Pearly Gates for judgement. As she stood there, she noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul into a small pile off to one side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the woman's curiosity got the best of her. So she strolled over to find out what the devil he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," she said. "I'm waiting my turn for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Vancouver, they're too wet to burn!"
A city boy, Paul, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey.
"The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Paul, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Paul, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Paul, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paul, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
NOTE: Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
A Kiwi, an Aussie and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Stralia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Kiwi, cool as, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Aussie.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In New Zealand we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back the same day."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says,"Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers each year to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are last year's winners:
And the pick of the literature:
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer.
Two months pass and the couple are still waiting.
So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service": "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking,and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Kathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Conner, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and shortly thereafter realizes that the woman sitting next to him is a real hottie. "Business trip or vacation?" he asks. "Business," she replies, "The annual Sex Convention."
"What are you doing there?" he asks. "Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality," she replies. "Like what?" asks the guy.
"People think that African men are the most well-endowed, but it's actually Native American men," she says. "And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it's actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity."
Blushing, the woman adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying all this to a stranger; I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," says the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux."
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He continued, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Elmer and Huey from Newfoundland were visiting a relative in Kingston prison. Walking along Main Street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2. 00 each, trousers $2. 50 per pair.'
Elmer says to his pal, "Huey "LOOK! Lord tunderin Jaysus . . . we could buy a whole lot ofdoze, and when we get back to da rock , we could make us a fortune. Now listen up der. When we goes into da shop, you keep yer yapper shut, eh! Just let me do all da talkin and fang danglin, 'cause ifday ear our accent, day might not serve us. Eyes be given dem me best Ontario drawl.
"They go in and Elmer says, "Excuse me sir, but I'll take 50 suits at $5. 00 each, 100 shirts at $2. 00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2. 50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You byes are from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Yah," says a surprised Elmer "How come you know?".
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners".
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her Girl friends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00. On one condition." (There are always conditions.)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't giveyou cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage,and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart.
"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but...
what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.
Why It's Great To Be A Man
DAMN, it's great to be a man !!!
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again.
God answered, "It is done."
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
I think this is good advice. So, I'm passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So... I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of "inner peace".
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No one is listening until you fart.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a disconnect between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for influenza vaccine despite the fact that the U.S. wants to discourage Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies.
Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued to press for the vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free."
The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for it."
"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?"
The Canadian replied, "Well, we don't know...we'll let you know."
In frustration, the American replied, "Well, it's urgent, so just send an invoice with the shipment. By the way...how will the vaccine be delivered?"
After careful consideration, the Canadian official replied, "By cow. Twenty vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over the border.
Now... if you want faster delivery, there are some softwood lumber trucks available..."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A guy went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but couldn’t find any.
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Just another one of those mistakes men make....
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pig. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't really give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
Last month, the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(it's a real treat)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer the Last Rites, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? I thought ye said PROTESTANT!"
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... you damn mosquito!
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She said wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said," Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course, you should be 100% sure." The woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands."
President George Bush was in theOval Office, wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
"President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat, "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close.
That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard..
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says....
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in Kentucky.
In the morning his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon while eating the hamburgers his grandfather had made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about them any more."
Later that afternoon as he was going out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game his grandfather was watching he shouted.......
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is... he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father".
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"She says, "He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles: "Ain't no use knockin. There's no paper on this side either".
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man,wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, as a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ottawa Senator jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Leaf fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Sens fans but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know much about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up ?"
And the winner is....
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JAN 5. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PMfor 3 weeks.
Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.
Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PMfor 2 hours.
Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full LobotomiesOffered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PMfor 2 hours.
Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the house". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, "the funeral director?".
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
How did God make mothers?
What ingredients are mothers made of?
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
What kind of little girl was your mom?
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
Who's the boss at your house?
What's the difference between moms and dads?
What does your mom do in her spare time?
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
A relieved menopausal wife
After 30+ years of flying, I have decided that:
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
Four youths from Canberra pulled off a trick of bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area.
Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate.
After bidding the van operator good-bye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself.
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off.
Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be.
The man eventually catches his breath, and says, "Make 'em all ugly again."
6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.
As I mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned ! that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe Something good will happen.
If not...tough shit.
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
You might need to read the last line of the Edison joke slow to get the punch line.
Not many people know that Thomas Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this..........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gonebust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and still has no luck.
Once again, she Prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Lady, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".
Administratium has 1 neutron, 2 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.
The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City."
The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city!"
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.
Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs...
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God! Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house. They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute. "Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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